Ted Cruz continued his “Hey, look! I’m not in Cancun!” tour yesterday, traveling to the U.S.-Mexico border in search of a thatch of reeds that in no way made him look like a serial killer floating freshly harvested bodies down the river on jerry-rigged rafts comprised of peat bog residue and the humiliated, shopworn remains of an increasingly dour series of RealDolls.

In other words, he was making an ass of himself. Again.

This is the same Ted Cruz who couldn’t stop suckling Donald Trump’s magnificent Halloween muffin teat long enough to defend our country and Constitution before, during, or after the Jan. 6 Capitol riot. He’s the same dude who thought the time to jet to Cancun was during his state’s worst nonpandemic-related crisis in years. And, yes, he’s the same guy who has a severe allergic reaction to garlic, sunlight, and the truth.

So when Beto O’Rourke, who nearly defeated Cruz in deep-red Texas during the 2018 midterm elections, saw Cruz playing soldier at the border, it was apparently more than he could stomach, and he fired off the following on-point tweet thread:



— Beto O'Rourke (@BetoORourke) March 26, 2021


— Beto O'Rourke (@BetoORourke) March 26, 2021


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(If ya don’t do Twitter, you can click here to read the thread.) 

Oh, Beto. Ted doesn’t care about any of those problems—just like he didn’t care about children at the border until he could use them to make a Democratic president look bad. 

Mass shootings? Poverty wages? Easily preventable and/or treatable diseases taking the lives of thousands of fellow Texans? You can’t shoot down those problems from a cool gunboat. So why are we even talking about them?

Of course, this is still a better look than Cruz’s last run for the border, but that’s not saying much. 

Ted is desperately trying to stay in government before he pupates into his true form and starts devouring brains—because he really wants those brains to come from fellow members of Congress.

We need to stop him.

Here’s a good place to start. 

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.”  Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear F*cking Lunatic, Dear Pr*sident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

  • March 27, 2021