Fascist death yam Donald Trump probably doesn’t understand why—or even whether—he’s a fascist. Since none of the history textbooks he “read” in college included either his name or a hollowed-out compartment in the shape of a Little Debbie snack cake, it’s unlikely he ever got past the first few pages of any of...
No wonder Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are best friends. No amount of gaslighting or tragic irony can trigger shame in either of them. The rampaging, “de-Nazifying” Russian army, which has spectacularly failed in its urgent campaign to capture—and likely torture—Ukraine’s Jewish president, has now damaged a second Ukrainian Holocaust...
If Donald Trump were still president and unemployment claims had dropped to their lowest point in 53 years, he’d be spitting out all-caps tweets like chicken bits into his bedside KFC-bone spittoon. That is, if he could still tweet. Sure, he lost his Twitter privileges because he tried to end American...
The GOP is no longer a serious political party. It’s a vaudeville show, and all they care about these days is performing. Not performing good deeds, mind you. Just performing. And the top clowns were all feeling their oats on Wednesday. Whether he’s concocting ad hoc reasons for flying to...
I have to hand it to Ketanji Brown Jackson. She’s a better person than I am. Granted, that’s not a high bar. She went to Harvard Law School and is on the cusp of a historic Supreme Court confirmation. I have a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and am on the cusp of...
Donald Trump’s Hitler Goof rallies have been drawing less and less interest lately, in part because windmill cancer has tragically taken so many of his rural devotees and also because Fox News no longer sees any benefit to broadcasting them. And why would they? His shtick never changes. It’s like watching...
If you’re wondering when the Republican Party first took a hard right turn onto Loopy Lane, you need look no further than 2008, when a desperate Sen. John McCain, trying to distance himself from the noxious mound of still-moldering viscera that was the Bush II administration, tapped Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin in...
Let’s see. In the past few years, Republicans have hitched themselves to Vladimir Putin, violent insurrectionists who tried to overthrow the legitimate government of the United States, a sore-loser campaign to undermine democracy, a former president who stole boxes of classified information from the White House and called a murderous...
I recently shrank my violin to a Planck-length singularity and misplaced it somewhere in the quantum realm after briefly stopping by to graffiti Marjorie Taylor Greene’s brain, so I can’t respond to this story as I ordinarily might. But damn, these are some rarefied Russian tears you’re about to taste. Elizaveta...
On Thursday, the House voted 424-8 to suspend normal trade relations with Russia in the wake of Vladimir Putin’s unprovoked war of aggression against Ukraine. Congress rarely achieves that kind of consensus on anything, unless the vote is for not telling Ted Cruz about the weekly after-work happy hour, but Ukraine’s plight has...
Former Vice President Mike Pence, who likely spent more time wiping Donald Trump’s bottom than his own over the past half-decade, is now persona non grata in TrumpWorld, thanks to his brazen attempt to install Joe Biden as president simply because he’d won the election. One definition of chutzpah could...
Vladimir Putin’s fatal error was assuming everyone in the United States was as weak, venal, oafish, and self-aggrandizing as Donald Trump, when in reality no more than half of us are. Of course, if you’d spent more time around Trump and Steven Seagal than with almost any other American, you’d...
Before Vladimir Putin decided it was a swell idea to take his mass murdering to the next level, you almost had to squint to see the traitorous stains who walked among us. But the “savvy genius” who got hopelessly bogged down in Ukraine in less time than it takes Donald...
Short, sweet, to the point and, above all, awesome. Today, Russia announced it was sanctioning President Biden and several other current and former U.S. officials—including, for some reason, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Shockingly, Donald Trump was not sanctioned. Possibly because withholding pallet shipments of 12-cheese blinis from noncombatants is...
New York Rep. Elise Stefanik—the third-ranking Republican in the U.S. House of Representatives—has at last captured the national zeitgeist! Americans aren’t worried about Ukraine, the economy, creeping fascism here and abroad, COVID-19, or any of the other stories the lamestream media keep pushing. The brutal truth is that most people...
Well, if I were driving around in circles all day to protest pandemic mandates that have largely been rescinded, I might get pretty frustrated, too. Troop TruckNutz—aka the “People’s Convoy”—has been doing God knows what on the D.C. Beltway lately, for reasons known only to them. And it’s started to get pretty...
Tucker Carlson often looks confused, but the real mystery is why a transparently perfidious Russian agent still has a highly rated show on American cable television. He should be relegated to Fox & Friends cooking segments in which he delights viewers with his babushka’s secret family polonium and borscht recipe....
If there’s anything more pathetic than Ted Cruz being pusillanimous, it’s Ted Cruz trying to act tough. Lately he’s been supporting the D.C. trucker convoy—the shambolic caravan of dead-ender, pro-death troglodytes that suddenly seems as culturally relevant as C.W. McCall’s seminal 1975 hit “Convoy.” Of course, being Ted Cruz, he’s been nothing...
We recently discovered that actor Rick Schroder—who famously portrayed a spoiled little kid in the ‘80s sitcom Silver Spoons—is reprising that role as part of the Washington, D.C., TruckNutz Convoy that’s fecklessly circling Washington in protest of rapidly fading COVID-19 mitigation mandates. Americans are paying scant attention to them, because Ukrainians...
Okay, so you may have read that headline and thought, “What? Tucker Carlson is finally souring on Putin’s war?” Oh, no. Don’t worry. It’s not like we’ve entered Bizarro World or anything. No, we’re simply at the stage in Vladimir Putin’s career when Russian state TV is obliquely questioning its...
Donald Trump Jr. is at it again, folks. Hats off to whoever managed to sandblast the flop sweat and happy powder from Patrick Bateman Trump Jr.’s face before he hit “record” on his latest video. Otherwise, this whole spectacle could have been borderline embarrassing. I sense that Junior would prefer to spend his days...
Over the past several days, as they’ve continued to search for new and exciting ways to dishonestly smear President Biden, congressional Republicans have let us know in no uncertain terms that if we simply drill … into their heads, we’ll still find nothing. Since the brutal gelding of Mr. Potato Head didn’t have quite...
Donald Trump’s Truth Social—the plucky startup that aims to disrupt the social media space in the same way Trump Steaks transformed how Americans befouled their colons—is soaring on gossamer wings straight into a comically large bug zapper. It’s difficult to fathom how anyone trusts Trump in any arena these days,...
Okay, let’s be fair about this. You could argue that the U.S. had a legitimate interest in propping up global oil prices during the COVID-caused 2020 recession in order to aid domestic producers. I figured I’d be fair at the outset because MAGAs never are, particularly when it comes to this...
Projection is pretty much all Republicans do these days, so if anyone on the right accuses President Biden of selling our nuclear launch codes for a bump of Adderall, a McRib with extra pickles and hog scrotums, and a deep-tissue taint massage from the traveling company of the Bolshoi Ballet, you...
Projection is pretty much all Republicans do these days, so if anyone on the right accuses President Biden of selling our nuclear launch codes for a bump of Adderall, a McRib with extra pickles and hog scrotums, and a deep-tissue taint massage from the traveling company of the Bolshoi Ballet, you...
If you’re going to invest your hard-earned money betting on Donald Trump, you’d be better off starting a pool where you try to predict when the Hot Pocket lodged in his left ventricle finally explodes his heart like a beached Oregon whale. Investing in one of his businesses? You might as...
Melania Trump’s flailing attempts to do good in the world—presumably to fulfill the bare minimum requirements of being a (former) first lady—have always felt a little insincere. While in the White House, she launched a much-ridiculed anti-bullying campaign clumsily dubbed “Be Best,” even though by far her most effective anti-bullying tactic...
Generalissimo Sean Hannity, the high commander for war strategy at Fox News, has an idea that will end the war! Erm, sorry—I meant “world.” Those two words sound so similar. Anyone with any sense of history knows that the last thing President Joe Biden can do is send the U.S....
Three members of the Congressional Putin Caucus (fka the GOP) have somehow seen fit to vote against a resolution supporting Ukraine in the wake of Russia’s elective war of aggression. It’s an odd choice for members of a party that’s already under heavy scrutiny for its past appeasement of the Russian...
Three members of the Congressional Putin Caucus (fka the GOP) have somehow seen fit to vote against a resolution supporting Ukraine in the wake of Russia’s elective war of aggression. It’s an odd choice for members of a party that’s already under heavy scrutiny for its past appeasement of the Russian...
Ukrainians are fighting for their fledgling democracy and independence, but this fight is bigger than just one country. In a very real sense, they’re fighting for us and for everyone on the planet who loves democracy and hates autocracy. Contrary to the traitorous whining of the Putin-appeasing GOP, President Biden has...
Now that (most) Republicans are running away from Vladimir Putin faster than Donald Trump can swallow a whole rotisserie chicken at Sunday brunch, they’ve settled on a talking point that’s as predictable as it is disingenuous. Namely, they argue, Putin chose this moment to invade Ukraine because he perceived President Biden’s...
Sometimes I wonder what might have happened had Jim Comey kept his mouth shut prior to the 2016 election, and if Hillary Clinton were now in the second year of her second term. The House hearings on Mr. Potato Head would have been something, I’m sure. That said, it’s hard...
Volodymyr Zelensky, who has rebuffed American offers for safe passage out of Ukraine because he insists on fighting to the death for his country, is a Ukrainian national superhero. Donald Trump, on the other hand, once refused to honor American military dead at a hallowed World War I cemetery because he didn’t...
If you have even a scintilla of appreciation for freedom and democracy, it’s impossible to watch Ukrainians’ bold defense of their country from the dyspeptic Goliath next door and not feel inspired. President Biden deserves immense credit for rallying the free world to Ukraine’s cause and imposing massive sanctions on Vladimir...
Okay, you won’t believe this one. Or, rather, you will, but the barf bags you label “M, Tu, W, Th, F” in anticipation of the coming week in conservatism will fill up faster than a pair of Trump family pantaloons at a New York deposition. J.D. Vance, the guy who less...
The GOP will henceforth and forevermore be known as “The Vladimir Putin Republican Dance Party.” In the span of a few short decades, our Republicomrades went from “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” to “I know Vladimir likes me, but does he like like me?”—all because the derpiest derp who ever...
I’ve always thought Marjorie Taylor Greene should be expelled from Congress for her sprawling threats and conspiracy theories. Now I’m starting to think she should be expelled from the solar system. At least she’d be clear of the Jewish space lasers. This woman has been responsible for more brimming barf bags...
Since it’s probably unconstitutional to ban people from public office just because their missives look like scribblings from a fourth-grader’s Trapper Keeper, we may have to use the 14th Amendment to keep the traitorous, Trump-besotted frat boy Madison Cawthorn from seeking another term in Congress. The North Carolina congressman is suing to prevent his...
Donald Trump has already weighed in on Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine’s Donbas region, and you’ll never guess what he said! You can find a quick summary here if you’re a big fan of incandescent treachery, but the gist is “Putin rules, Biden drools.” (Warning: Click on that link only if...
Ah, “stand your ground” laws—otherwise known as, “Hey, no witnesses! I can shoot this dude in the face and ink a lucrative media deal with Fox News in 30 days or less” laws. The Bible rather quaintly admonishes us not to kill, but apparently we missed the fine print in...
So now we know why Sen. Ted Cruz was able to mend fences with Donald Trump so soon after the ocher abomination suggested Ted’s dad may have been involved in the JFK assassination. Ted must have thought it was a really funny “joke” and nothing more. Fox News has forced...
I don’t watch Fox News anymore. If I really want to know what they’re up to, I’ll read watchdog sites like Media Matters or Mediaite. Or I’ll check my mom’s bedroom closet to see if she’s been stress-buying Trumpy Bears again. That said, Fox has an outsized influence on our...
While my writing ordinarily focuses on McDonaldland characters locked in a stunning array of ill-considered Kama Sutra positions, my second-favorite topic is likely Donald Trump and his infinite scams. The dude oozes dishonesty—and God knows what else. Which, of course, means he never stops grifting. It’s his default setting. The latest?...
Poor Mike Pence. All he ever wanted was to install a dominionist theocratic state where Jesus was front and center and so loved the world that He might even be willing to listen to Louie Gohmert’s House floor speeches for our sins. And now Pence is caught in an ethical dilemma between living...
I never watch Fox News anymore, but I do see a lot of their clips online. I know they have a comedy show now, but I can’t figure out if it’s the one hosted by Greg Gutfeld or the one where Judge Jeanine Pirro impersonates a concussed Muppet. Watching Fox...
Someone needs to crack open Mike Lindell’s head and replace the piñata candy already. It’s obviously gone bad. The latest from Fascista Ned Flanders may have you scratching your head until you scrape brain: The Mewling Mustache of Minnesota wants to help those scofflaw Canadian truckers who are deliberately screwing with the...
This will either be extremely alarming or just another fraught moment on this lush, fragile, spinning rock of ours—depending on how enthusiastically you took to huffing industrial paint solvents as the clammy orange murder-ape squatted (quite possibly literally) in the Oval Office from 2017-2021. Donald Trump is naught but an oozy, malodorous mound of...
Because I believe we may actually be living in a simulation (no, really), I sometimes wonder if Judge Jeanine Pirro is just the video game avatar of a ferociously drunk dude who recently fell asleep on his couch with a Tombstone pizza in the oven and The Best of Deep Purple blaring on his...
