Trump campaign's latest brilliant stroke: Vowing to protect South American statues

No, not statues of Adolf Eichmann, you cheeky monkeys.

However, Donald Trump appears very concerned about ensuring that no “anarchists” or American heritage-haters tear down this statue:

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Yup. That statue is in Brazil.



Also, it's nearly 100 feet tall, sits on a 26-foot-tall pedestal, is made of reinforced concrete, weighs in at a gaudy 635 metric tons, and graces the top of a 2,310-foot summit. So in this case the anarchists will have to book a flight to Brazil, dodge the coronavirus in a country that’s somehow done a worse job with mitigation than we have, climb the mountain with their statue-killing ropes and chains, and then drag this behemoth down like a phalanx of Lilliputians while taking special care not to get bitch-slapped by one of Jesus’ enormous stone hands.

Why do I feel like the Trump campaign isn’t being completely honest with us?

Then again, this ad isn’t for people who know things. It’s for people who are now preternaturally predisposed to believe Christ the Redeemer stands at the base of the reflecting pool on the National Mall, despite what the fake news might tell them. Hey, maybe Benjamin Franklin, who was president from 1788 to 1860 as far as any Trump voters know, sculpted it with his bare hands. Who’s to say? You definitely can’t take the word of anyone in the deep state.

So here’s the Trump campaign in a nutshell: He will protect foreign statues that no one could or ever would consider toppling from statue-hating Americans who are deeply concerned about equality and civil rights. But he won’t do shit about a killer plague sweeping the nation. Or not until the statue problem is solved, anyway.

Is Joe Biden this dedicated? Of course not! Only Donald Trump will protect our precious foreign statues!

This is the turning point, folks. I don’t see how Trump can possibly lose now. Don’t be angry at me. I’m just the messenger.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!