Last updated on December 28, 2020
Once again, Donald Trump blasted a mammoth, sulfuric Beelzebub fart and left the room, leaving it to members of the sane community to Febreze the fuck out of the country.
No, the painstakingly negotiated $900 billion COVID-19 relief bill was by no means perfect. And Trump is actually right that the $600 pittance set aside for working people was not nearly enough—which is why congressional Democrats have long argued for bigger checks. But that’s an opinion that should have been shared in, I don’t know, FUCKING MAY after the House passed the HEROES Act.
But Trump either 1) failed to notice that Republicans were dead set on adding naught but an extra lump of coal to Americans’ pay buckets this Christmas or 2) (the far more likely scenario) he decided to punish Yertle’s anti-Trump treachery by blowing up his compromise bill, knowing the $2,000 he’s requesting for ordinary Americans would never fly with Mitch and his fave plutocrats.
So Trump has singlehandedly, through an 11th-hour tantrum, prevented any relief from reaching people who desperately need it. This was his Christmas present to you, and then he flew the coop to Mar-a-Lago, where I assume he will either live out the rest of his days curating a scrapbook full of election conspiracy theories or fashion a chrysalis out of individually wrapped Kraft cheese slices in anticipation of his dazzling transfiguration into Gandalf the Shite.
But he’s not done presidenting yet. Oh, no. He’s working hard to secure … Melania’s sacred right to be on magazine covers.
President Donald Trump has bashed leading US lifestyle magazines for not giving his wife, Melania Trump, a single front page cover while he has been in office.
In a tweet on Friday, Trump called the First Lady “the greatest of all time,” while retweeting a Breitbart post that said “elitist snobs in the fashion press” were ostracizing the “most elegant First Lady in American history.”
“Fake News!,” Trump added.
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The greatest what of all time? If he’s saying greatest model, well, no … unless you’re wowed by the kind of shit you see in Shopko circulars. Does he mean the greatest FLOTUS? Probably. But not only is that false, it’s also kind of hard to wrap one’s head around the “world’s greatest first lady” giving a fuck about being on the covers of fashion magazines. I mean, I assume she’s proudest of completely eradicating cyberbullying and picking out a series of Kafkaesque nightmare Christmas trees that could make Krampus’ rectum prolapse from fear. But even those trifles have nothing to do with being a fashion plate.
So in the middle of a pandemic that’s been killing multiple thousands of people a day and appears to be getting worse—and in the midst of a hellacious economic downturn that’s worn millions of our citizens down to the nub—Trump is calling out the “fake” media for not recognizing that his wife is a hot piece of ass.
Twenty-five days until we have a president who doesn’t do stupid shit like this every day.
Twenty-five.
Breathe.
Help is on its way.
This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!
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