Windmill cancer deaths are down to zero … and other things we can thank Donald Trump for

After Joe Biden’s speech to the nation last week, conservatives were their usual snowflakey selves, wondering where all the plaudits for Donald Trump’s maladministration were.

To be fair, Trump did launch Operation Warp Speed. Or, rather, his administration launched it … and came up with a cool nickname. That said, the first vaccine to gain FDA approval, the Pfizer vaccine, was developed privately, without federal money, and so Trump’s silly boast that it would have taken five years—or maybe even infinity years!—to create the vaccines if a lesser man had been filling the presidential boudoir with Arby’s stink … well, to quote the great one himself, “it is what it is.” Just more bullshit from the world’s worst bullshitter.

Regardless, Fox News wants us to thank Trump …

… so I guess I should do that.

So here we go. Here are just a few things we can thank Donald Trump—and only Donald Trump—for.

  1. We now have a Democratic Senate and House.
  2. Young people now know with metaphysical certitude that anyone—and I mean anyone—can grow up to be president.
  3. Windmill cancer. Gone. Just like that.
  4. A new generation has come to truly appreciate the dangers of injecting disinfectant and shoving light bulbs up one’s own arse.
  5. People now understand that government can truly work for them if it’s not headed by the guy who runs the ring toss game at the carnival.
  6. Scaramucci Week was a lot more fun—and at least as productive—as Infrastructure Week.
  7. Hundreds of thousands of ardent Trump supporters are now convinced Fox News is a left-wing George Soros tool.
  8. The decades-long scourge of low-flow toilets has now been addressed, or at least mentioned in passing.
  9. After the last four years I could probably watch a snuff film featuring a star-studded cast of Muppets without elevating my heart rate or blood pressure.
  10. President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris.

I’m sure there are more but, frankly, I struggled mightily to get to 10.

What about you? What Trump-era “accomplishment” are you most thankful for?

Let me know in the poll and the comments!

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via TwitterSay “ba-bye” to the former guy. The long-anticipated EPILOGUE to Aldous J. Pennyfarthing’s Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is now available for FREE. Download your copy here! And don’t forget to check out the rest of AJP’s oeuvre here.

  • March 14, 2021
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