What could be funnier than Trump refusing to pay Rudy when the poor sap needs him the most?

So Rudy “Up From His Head Come a Bubblin’ Crude” Giuliani, who represented Donald Trump in his effort to overturn the 2020 election, is now learning where Trump’s loyalties really lie—i.e., with the Adderall fairies whispering in his ear 24/7 about the impudent hobgoblins trying steal his pouch of magic beans.

Uh, Donald Trump doesn’t pay his bills. When will these knuckleheads ever learn? Did Rudy think his preternatural ability to gross out his own intestinal flukes would somehow make Trump more likely to pay him? It hardly matters that you’d get better legal advice from an AOL furry-sex chatroom. The man did the, erm, “work.” He deserves his payday.

But don’t tell Trump that. He’s stiffing Rudy. Not because Rudy did a terrible job—which he clearly did. But because this is how Trump treats everyone he’s indebted to.


The New York Times:

As a federal investigation into Rudolph W. Giuliani escalates, his advisers have been pressing aides to former President Donald J. Trump to reach into a $250 million war chest to pay Mr. Giuliani for his efforts to overturn the results of the 2020 election on Mr. Trump’s behalf.

The pressure from Mr. Giuliani’s camp has intensified since F.B.I. agents executed search warrants at Mr. Giuliani’s home and office last week, according to people familiar with the discussions, and comes as Mr. Giuliani has hired new lawyers and is facing his own protracted — and costly — legal battles.

Holy hell. Well, at least I don’t have to worry about being buried alive, because I’ll literally be laughing about this until my dying breath.

Mr. Giuliani led the effort to subvert the results of the 2020 race in a series of battleground states, but he was not paid for the work, according to people close to both Mr. Giuliani and Mr. Trump. His supporters now want the Trump campaign to tap into the $250 million it raised in the weeks after the election to pay Mr. Giuliani and absorb costs he has incurred in the defamation suits.

No … stop … I need to catch my breath!



Say, does anyone walk away from Donald Trump intact? Joining TrumpWorld is like storming Omaha Beach with a Little Mermaid towel and a bucket of lukewarm wine coolers. It won’t go as planned is all I’m saying.

Rudy is in this mess because of Trump and his obsession with defaming Joe Biden … and with denying Biden’s victory. And now that Rudy needs Trump’s help more than ever, the big bouncing ball of buttocks is nowhere to be found.

But seriously, what other outcome was even possible?

According to The Times, Giuliani’s associate Maria Ryan emailed the Trump campaign asking for a $20,000-a-day fee for his legal work in challenging the election results, which admittedly seems pretty steep for an attorney who’s approximately 10% befuddled ignorance and 90% flop sweat. Further, “Mr. Trump later told his advisers he did not want Mr. Giuliani to receive any payment, according to people close to the former president with direct knowledge of the discussions.”

Granted, Rudy’s contribution was worth less than nothing, but then so were all of Trump’s casinos in the end. Does that mean the contractors who built them deserved to be stiffed?

Meanwhile, Rudy’s son Andrew is speaking up for ol’ Pops: “I do think he should be indemnified,” Andrew said. “I think all those Americans that donated after Nov. 3, they were donating for the legal defense fund. My father ran the legal team at that point. So I think it’s very easy to make a very strong case for the fact that he and all the lawyers that worked on there should be indemnified.”

Correction: All those Americans thought they were donating to the legal defense fund. But most of them were actually donating to Trump’s “Save America” PAC and the RNC

Trump is a supremely skilled meta-grifter who expertly grifts grifters. It’s the one thing he’s good at. Giuliani should have known that.

Sorry, Rudes. No tears for you. You got in bed with this degenerate fool, and now you’re paying the piper. But, hey, at least someone is getting paid, huh?

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

  • May 5, 2021
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