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Watch Mike Pence's spine dissolve in real time as he tries to defend Trump's racism

I love my wife, but I’d never be this milquetoast-y in my defense of her. And she really is the least racist person you’ll ever meet. 

Hoo-boy! This video is something else. Have you ever watched clear, unflavored Jell-O being microwaved? Well, now’s your chance:

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Translation: “I don’t know what the fuck that orange piss bucket is going to do next, so I’ll pretend he has a scintilla of conscience — but I’m not going to say he definitely will do something to stop this racist chant in the future because, let’s face it, what are the chances of that, really? So ¯_(ツ)_/¯.”

Mike Pence thinks he’s going to heaven for standing by his man, but I think the best he can hope for is one of the higher circles of hell — where he’ll be fourth in line in the human centipede behind Trump, Steve Bannon, and the soulless fuck who decided to cancel Freaks & Geeks after just one season. But hey, No. 4’s pretty good, right?

Stay strong, Mike. Your reward is on its way.

Is Trump still singeing your sphincter? Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the salve you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And you can get them for less than the price of a cup of coffee … or a black-market Xanax … or five minutes of therapy. It’s time to heal, my friends. Buy now!

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