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Tucker Carlson simply can't imagine doing this thing that Fox News does every day

2 min read

I imagine after Tucker Carlson sticks his head up his own asshole, he immediately seeks out another asshole in which to wedge said head in order to avoid the next round of dispatches from the world’s enormous and growing population of non-asshole-denizens. So what you have is Tucker Carlson’s head and an infinite regression of assholes, as if it were some sort of trippy ayahuasca journey into hell — one with the added bonus of Tucker Carlson and a boundless supply of literal assholes. But you don’t get to meet Mother Aya. You just see assholes approaching on the horizon like glistening Shinto gates for the rest of eternity.

How else do you explain this strikingly un-self-aware take?

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“Imagine reading a political party’s talking points verbatim every day of the year and pretending that it’s news.” — Tucker Carlson on CNN and the Democratic Party

Yeah, someone who did that would have to be a real charlatan, huh?

I can’t even begin to imagine it.

Give the gift of hateful anti-Trump sarcasm this Christmas! Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing is now available. And if you still haven’t read Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump, what the heck are you waiting for? Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” diversions from our temporary hell on Earth.

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