Some day, when Donald Trump is made king of the MAGA States of America—a commonwealth of the kingdom of the mole people, where he will reign over the primeval subterranean realms for a millennium, or until a hunk of Cool Ranch snackin’ lard gets lodged in his aorta, whichever comes first—people like this will be out of our lives forever.
Until then, we can only gape and guffaw.
I’d always wondered about the kind of mind that could simultaneously believe Trump deserves all the credit for developing the COVID-19 vaccines while also believing that the vaccines are part of a sinister plot to surreptitiously implant nanobots that will make all red-blooded Republican men want to go antiquing with Armistead Maupin and his boyfriend before spending the remainder of the afternoon sipping cosmos at an adorable sidewalk French cafe. Or whatever the conspiracy theory is this week. Maybe the vaccine just makes your balls fall off. Frankly, in many cases, that would be an acceptable side effect.
Then there’s this guy, who ratchets the cognitive dissonance up to 11:
More from our time inside the QAnon Conference. @WalterMasterson found that Trump voters think Trump should get credit for "rushing" the vaccine, but also won't take it because they believe it was rushed. pic.twitter.com/ZEduIMzwtg
— PatriotTakes 🇺🇸 (@patriottakes) June 2, 2021
WALTER MASTERSON, EXPERT PRANKSTER: “Trump does not get enough credit for rushing the vaccine and getting it on the market.”
TRUMPY MAN: “Oh, he was instrumental in ‘let’s get rid of the red tape and let’s do business and see what we can do’ …”
MASTERSON: “Like you said, like a businessman.”
TRUMPY MAN: “Well, who do you want in charge?”
TRUMPY MAN: “What’s the biggest business in the United States?”
MASTERSON: “The government.”
MASTERSON: “You’re not getting the vaccine.”
TRUMPY MAN: “Naw.”
MASTERSON: “I feel like it was a little too rushed.”
TRUMPY MAN: “Yeah. Is it FDA approved and all that yet? You know what I’m getting at.”
MASTERSON: “Yeah, it was rushed out there.”
TRUMPY MAN: “Yeah, usually it takes years and years and years. Yes, hopefully Donald, Mr. Trump there, you know, president, got that through, right, because you know he did. He said he was gonna. If he said he was gonna do this … he does what he says he’s gonna do.”
And … scene.
Take a bow, Trumpy Man. Those were some mental gymnastics worthy of Simone Biles.
I fear for our country as long as people like this walk among us. This is why Joe Manchin and Krysten Sinema need to suck it up and get election reform and infrastructure passed—because there’s simply no reasoning with the unreasonable, and if we don’t act now, the unreasonable will soon have a hammerlock on our democracy.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
In contrast to Donald Trump’s shambolic bearing, appearance, and comportment, Aldous J. Pennyfarthing is a natty hail-fellow-well-met and a gentleman.