Trump's spiritual adviser attempts to pray the fail away

Donald Trump has lost. I don’t think I’m jinxing anything by saying that.

Look here …

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Pennsylvania ends it. Which is nice, because we also have Nevada in the bag …

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— Jon Ralston (@RalstonReports) November 5, 2020

So right now we’re at the part in the movie where the villain has lost his lower torso and is spitting up blood and screaming. And I know that’s a really specific and lurid description, but it’s been a long four years, man.

Anyway, Republicans simply can’t process this, and some of them are relying on the power of prayer to do … something.

Newsweek:

Paula White has delivered an impassioned prayer in a bid to secure Donald Trump's presidential reelection as Joe Biden pulls ahead in the race to the White House.

White, who is Trump's spiritual adviser, took aim at the “demonic confederacies that are attempting to steal the election from Trump,” during the energetic prayer that was streamed live at 7p.m. ET.

Clips of the event have been circulating widely across social media as the U.S. waits to hear decisive news from key states that are still counting the vote.

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Here’s an actual transcript:

“Strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike and strike until you have victory. For every enemy that is aligned against you let there be that we would strike the ground, for you will give us victory, God. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain, I hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of shouting and singing, I hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain, I hear a sound of victory. I hear a sound of an abundance of rain, I hear a sound of victory. The Lord says it is done. The Lord says it is done. The Lord says it is done. For I hear victory, victory, victory, victory in the quarters of heaven, in the quarters of heaven, victory, victory, victory, victory, victory, victory, victory. For angels are being released right now, angels are being dispatched right now …”

And then the real gibberish starts.

If someone doesn’t do an autotuned version of this by 3 p.m. today, I’ll be shocked.

Maybe sometime in the next four years Paula can pray that Republicans put forward a marginally sane candidate next time. It can’t hurt, right?

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!