Donald Trump wants to hold the next G7 summit at his Miami resort, because how else is he going to recoup all the money he’s losing for being an egregious asshole who ruins everything?
In the clip below, a somewhat muted Trump — who has possibly been away from his Adderall connection a skosh too long (many people are saying; I heard) — discusses how awesome it would be if world leaders and their entourages could line his pockets with some of their filthy foreign lucre, posthaste.
Okay, sure … but don’t let the bedbugs bite.
Sadly, a quick Google search will reveal that maybe sleeping at Florida's Trump Doral isn't such a swell idea after all.
From a January 2017 Miami Herald story (published just 10 days after the D.C. hellmouth opened and sucked us all into this godawful alt-reality):
In a bit of good news for the new president, court records show his attorneys in Miami have reached a tentative settlement with a business traveler who sued the [Trump National Doral Miami] resort after his back, face and arms were devoured by voracious bed bugs at the revamped resort.
In a terse one-page report just slipped into the court file, court-appointed mediator Frank Allocca filed a notice that reads “an agreement was reached.” There were no details on what will likely be a confidential deal.
New Jersey insurance executive Eric Linder, who woke up from a night’s sleep at the resort in March 2016 with dozens of bites, didn’t return calls for comment. Neither did his lawyer nor Trump’s local lawyer.
Or maybe the G7 leaders should check out some of the resort’s one-star Yelp reviews.
According to Trump, one of his Miami resort’s biggest selling points is that it’s near the airport. Well, so is the Red Roof Inn. And it’s got free Wi-Fi and continental breakfast. And nonsmoking rooms — sans bedbugs, of course.
Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.
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