Donald Trump

Stuart Spittle, the incredible shrinking candidate, was spinning the hits last night in Johnstown, Pennsylvania. Lies that have long since been debunked were pulled out of the couch cushions, denuded of dustballs and cat hair, and fed to the only people dumb enough to accept candy from a creepy old man whose quotidian lunacy has long since worn out the vast majority of this country.

Seriously, there was more dignity in Bob Denver showing up at malls in his Gilligan hat at the age of 70. Far, far more.

Throngs of MAGA-heads cheering Trump’s dishonesty at this late stage feels a bit like an 8-year-old asking his dad to retell the story of that time he wrestled a grizzly bear on Pluto. Does anyone believe what he’s saying, or is this one last trip down memory lane for the death cult?

I can’t even summon any outrage over these lies anymore — they’re just too boring and stupid.

But CNN’s Daniel Dale took them on regardless because, well, it’s his job.

Here’s a partial rundown from last night:

Biden was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania. But Trump said: “They say he was born in Scranton, but he left, he left. He abandoned you.”
Trump's allegation is misleading to the point of absurdity. Biden didn't make his own decision to leave Pennsylvania. His family moved from Pennsylvania to Delaware, where his father had found a job, when he was 10 years old.

Know who else abandoned Scranton? Michael Scott! What an asshole.

[Trump] claimed that we are “rounding the turn on the pandemic,” not explaining what that means. And he said, “My plan: we're gonna crush the virus very quickly. It's happening already. It's happening.”

Narrator: “It isn’t.”

For the second consecutive night, Trump claimed that Mexico is paying for his border wall.
“And Mexico is paying for the wall, by the way. You know that. I've been saying it. They hate to hear that. But they're paying,” he said.

I guess he has to say this because of all the times he promised he’d build a wall and Mexico would pay for it, but neither of those things has happened. Then again, he’s not talking to anyone in the sane community.

Returning to one of his favorite rally lies, Trump called CNN “fake,” then said he saw the light on CNN's camera go off — insinuating that CNN had stopped recording because of his jab.
Trump's claim was, as usual, pure fiction. CNN does not turn its cameras off when he insults CNN. And CNN photojournalists at his rallies do not even use a light that would show Trump whether or not they are recording or broadcasting live.

This has always been one of my favorites. Anyone who actually watches CNN would know they’ve never turned their cameras off because Trump insulted them. But then following Trump has never been about independent verification. It’s always been about blindly accepting whatever Dear Leader says. 

Finally, a lie Trump has repeated more than 160 times but which has rarely been challenged directly …

Trump repeated another of his favorite rally lies, declaring that “we passed VA Choice.” Obama signed the Choice bill into law in 2014; it was an initiative of two senators Trump has frequently criticized, Bernie Sanders and the late John McCain. What Trump signed was the VA MISSION Act of 2018, which expanded and modified the Choice program.

This is like if they made “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” into a TV series that never ends, like NCIS or Live With Kelly and a New Guy Who Isn’t Regis. The least he could do is workshop some new lies. These sound like a 21st century version of “take my presidency, please.”

In other words, his shtick is played. Four more years of this wouldn’t just be a disaster for our economy, our health care, the environment, and human rights — it would be deadly fucking dull.

So let’s boost Joe and give him a Democratic Congress.

Make it so.

“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!

  • October 14, 2020
Available for Amazon Prime