At this point, waiting for Donald Trump to become “presidential” would be like Phil Spector’s embalmer/restorative artist asking if there’s something different they can do with his hair.

Hey, how surprised would you be to see Donald Trump release amazing comprehensive health care and infrastructure plans that are all set for Congress’ enthusiastic approval in two weeks? (Actually, I think it’s more likely he dissolves into an enormous cloud of nanobots that flies back to the Kremlin toting a “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug, but then that’s just obvious.)

Anyway, you’ll be shocked — shocked! — to learn that Trump is spending his final day in office consumed by bitterness and jealousy. 


With a day remaining in his term, Trump is still consumed with grievance over Republicans he believes abandoned him and insistent to people around him that he actually won the election he lost.
The President has been in a foul mood for several days and has lost interest in the performative parts of the presidency he once relished, a source he's spoken with in recent days told CNN.

Aw, come on! Can’t his cabinet members all take turns deifying him around a conference table? You know, for old time’s sake?

While he's eagerly anticipating his military-style send-off from Joint Base Andrews on Inauguration morning — one of the few items that have cheered him up recently — there were already signs the crowd may be smaller than he'd hoped. And a slate of actual celebrities lined up for Biden's inauguration has disappointed a president who tried and often failed to secure A-list support for his own presidency.
He hasn't left the White House or been seen in public for a week. On Monday evening he taped a valedictory final message from the Blue Room of the White House, ticking through several achievements that he believes should define his administration.

Hmm, let’s see. Watch Donald Trump’s masturbatory message of eternal woe and grievance or try to get to the bottom of this yellowing toenail after ignoring it for the past four years.

Toenail it is!

Of course, I might actually learn something about long-neglected big toes, whereas there’s not much more to discover about Donald John Trump. Everything you needed to know was put on lurid display at Trump Tower in June 2015.

For Trump, there has been relatively little reminiscing about the past four years, according to people who have spoken to him. Although he often waxed nostalgic about his 2016 presidential campaign, the years he was actually president have inspired less fond memories. Instead, Trump has appeared embittered at those he believe deprived him a second term, from the “deep state” to ruthless Democrats and disloyal members of his own party.

So he wants to talk about his mediocre win (which came with an embarrassing popular vote loss) from four years ago, but he doesn’t actually want to discuss anything having to do with being president?

Honestly, that’s exactly the sendoff I need from this guy. 

You be you, Donald. Just leave the rest of us the fuck out of it from here on out, okay?

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links!

  • January 19, 2021