Donald Trump sees fraud everywhere because he is, at root, a fraud.

Cheaters always suspect their significant others of cheating. Thieves worry about getting ripped off. Con men think everyone else is a grifter, too. Liars think no one in the universe is fundamentally honest. This is just how psychopaths roll.

And if Donald Trump isn’t a psychopath, I’ll eat the dog-eared edition of the DSM-5 I’ve been using to try to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. (The good news: I’m not a psychopath. The bad news: I have the nervous system of a meth-addicted Chihuahua covered in a sweater of bees.)

So this is what’s at the heart of Trump’s current dispute with Twitter over its fact-check about Trump’s bogus claim that mail-in voting would lead to widespread election fraud. He would (and likely will) cheat, so he assumes the other side will, too.

And naturally, what’s good for the moose in this case is not good for the gander. Trump thinks he’s an extra-special case when it comes to filling in a mail-in ballot because, as the temp president of the United States, he’s so, so busy. (He’s not, but presidents typically have worked really hard, so this at least seems like a good excuse.)

Except it’s not a good excuse, for this reason:

While pushing false conspiracy theories about mail voting, President Donald Trump has argued that he was allowed to vote by mail in Florida, because he was unable to vote in person. Like thousands of other claims made by the president, this one is simply not true.

The president was in Florida to play golf at his Palm Beach course on the weekend of March 7, which was during the state’s early voting period. Trump even drove past an open voting site at a nearby library at least six times on that visit, CNN reported. He did not stop by any of the other 15 early voting sites open in Palm Beach County that weekend.

Nonetheless, Trump requested an absentee ballot on March 9, and he voted by mail in the primary.

Ho-hum. More lies. Must be … whatever day this is.

The truth is, mail-in voting is secure. Oregon, where I currently live, has been doing it safely and securely for more than 20 years. 

Trump wants to stop mail-in voting for one reason: He thinks if more people vote, he’ll lose. And because he’s a wretched human being who sucks sun-dried ape gonads, he’s probably right.

And if he loses, a Pandora’s box full of criminality and corruption may just open up, and Bill Barr will no longer be there to help him.

So, yeah, he needs to stay pr*sident, no matter how awful that would be for the rest of us. Not a good reason, but a flailing man has nothing left to do but flail, fail, and wail.

“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!