Earlier this morning, Rudy Giuliani’s star Michigan witness Mellissa Carone probably thought she’d be best known for acting like a woman in an Iron Mountain bar at closing time on a random Tuesday night. She just wants to hear the songs she played on the jukebox before she goes home! And she wants another Bud Light! Because who the fuck would want to listen to REO Speedwagon without another drink in hand?!

Here was her slur heard ‘round the world:

Needless to say, if Rudy Effing Giuliani is trying to rein in your crazy, you’ve got problems.

Well, she’s apparently got even more problems than we thought. This upstanding, very credible witness also has a … criminal record.

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So, yeah.

Oh, and if you have to tell everyone “I WASN’T drunk during my testimony,” you may need to reevaluate your life. At least.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!