Even in exile* Donald Trump can’t stop fucking up and embarrassing the shit out of us.
Whoever’s on deck this week to defend Trump in his impeachment trial (it’s either Barry Zuckerkorn or Lionel Hutz; I forget which) is so sharp, they can’t quite spell the name of the country Trump was supposedly leading lo these many years.
Here’s more of the text, in case your eyes are as decrepit as mine:
To: The Honorable, the Members of the Unites States Senate:
The 45th President of the United States, Donald John Trump, through his counsel Bruce L. Castor, Jr., and David Schoen hereby response to the Article of Impeachment lodged against him by the United States House of Representatives by breaking the allegations out into 8 Averments and,
1. The Constitution provides that the House of Representatives ‘shall have the sole Power of Impeachment’ and that the President ‘shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.’”
Oh, and not to get too picayune, but why is there a closing quotation mark when there’s no opening quotation mark? Again, this is a big case. Might want to hire a proofreader, just for shits and giggles.
Anyway, it goes on and on.
And this is pretty rich, too:
Trump’s impeachment brief: “It is denied he betrayed his trust as President to the manifest injury of the people of the United States. Rather, the 45th President performed admirably in his role, at all times doing what he thought was in the best interests of the American people.”
Why does that argument sound so familiar? Oh, yeah. That’s basically what Alan Dershowitz asserted during Trump’s first impeachment trial (i.e., anything Trump does to steal elections is okay because Trump thinks he’s the best thing ever to happen to America—so suck on that, Joe Biden).
It’s a little like a surgeon showing up to the OR tripping balls on bath salts and insisting on doing the surgery because no sober person can do it like he can.
Which, to be fair, is probably true. But, you know, not exactly the point.
*Well, he’s not exactly in exile, but he is in Florida. So he’s about a case of Busch Light and a bag of pork rinds away from falling in a swamp and being eaten by gators.
”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Trump is gone, but the righteous mocking goes on forever. Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out.