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Trump sits down for a crazy-as-fudge interview with Piers Morgan

3 min read

Had I known Donald Trump was sitting down for an interview with Piers Morgan I would have been frightened out of my mind knowing they might spontaneously collapse into a douchebag singularity and swallow up the solar system and, eventually, the outer spiral arm of our galaxy.

But that didn’t happen. Instead we witnessed a supernova of spittle and folderol.

Boy did we ever.

Trump was in fine fettle, folks. Ugh.

In an interview with Piers Morgan on Wednesday's Good Morning Britain, President Trump said “there's always a chance” of military action against Iran, walked back his assertion Tuesday that Britain's public National Health Service would be part of a U.S.-Britain trade deal, said he “wouldn't have minded” serving during the Vietnam War but has made up for sitting it out by increasing military funding as president, and parried Morgan's question about U.S. gun violence by claiming he “read an article where everybody is being stabbed” in London, and “they said your hospital is a sea of blood, all over the floors.”

Uh huh.

He also defended his decision to avoid serving in Vietnam because the war was “very far away” and nobody knew what Vietnam was anyway: “You’re talking about Vietnam, and at that time, nobody ever heard of the country. This isn’t like I’m fighting against Nazi Germany, we’re fighting against Hitler.” That said, he’s now making up for his cowardice by “rapidly” rebuilding the military.

However, Trump reserved the bulk of his crazy talk for explaining his decision (apparently made with either no or incomplete information, as you shall see) to ban transgender soldiers from our military.

When Morgan tried to square Trump's tweeted support for the LGBT community and his anti-LGBT policies, notably his ban on transgender military service members, Trump blamed drugs. He banned transgender troops “because they take massive amounts of drugs,” he said, and “in the U.S. military you are not allowed to take any drugs.” Morgan shot back that “the U.S. military spends a lot more money, for example, on giving Viagra to servicemen and women — well, servicemen — than it does on medical bills for transgender people,” and Trump responded, “I didn't know they did that.”


You didn’t know they did that? Dude, you’re not the 80-year-old woman in front of me at the grocery store buying a single tin of Altoids with a check. You’re (supposed to be) president, FFS!

You didn’t know? And yet you upended thousands of lives based on your own foolish and ignorant biases? 

Wow, go fuck yourself. Seriously.

Is Trump still singeing your sphincter? Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the salve you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And you can get them for less than the price of a cup of coffee … or a black-market Xanax … or five minutes of therapy. It’s time to heal, my friends. Buy now!

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