… in the Caribbean, of course. The Genocidal Genoan never set foot in what we now know as the United States. And he had no idea where he was. And the “American way of life” he started was slavery. And greed/plunder. And wanton cruelty. And mass murder.

But other than that — inspirational, Mr. President!

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TRUMP: “We will never allow an angry mob to tear down our statues, erase our history, indoctrinate our children, or trample on our freedoms. We will safeguard our values, traditions, customs, and beliefs. We will teach our children to cherish and adore their country so that they can build its future. Together we will fight for the American dream, and we will defend, protect, and preserve American way of life, which began in 1492 when Columbus discovered America.”

Hmm, kind of low energy. I give this speech 3 out of 10 crushed Adderall tabs.

Okay, so bodies are piling up every day and the economy is in a crater, but sure — let’s go with “protecting the statues of horrible, bloodthirsty villains” as the pressing kitchen table issue that will turn the Trumptanic around. He’s really captured the zeitgeist.

Say, maybe he can give everyone who dies of COVID-19 their own statue in America’s slick new Statue Disneyland! That’ll take the sting out of his criminal incompetence.

Happy Fourth everyone! If there’s any justice, next July 4 will be a real Independence Day.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!