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Trump says Rudy got 'a lot of good information' in Ukraine. Okay, then

3 min read

Oh, hey, Rudy Giuliani is about to break the wackadoodle Ukraine conspiracy story wide open! This intel comes from none other than Donald Trump — the guy who thinks exercise is bad for you, vaccines cause autism, climate change is a Chinese hoax, Ted Cruz’s dad may have been involved in JFK’s assassination, Trump Tower was wiretapped by nefarious forces, the Clintons may have killed Jeffrey Epstein in prison, Antonin Scalia’s death was suspicious, windmills cause cancer, and Barack Obama was born in Kenya.

So, needless to say, I’m awaiting this new revelation with bated breath.



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“Rudy, as you know, has been one of the great crime fighters of the last 50 years, and he did get back from Europe just recently and I know — he has not told me what he found, but I think he wants to go before Congress and say, and also to the attorney general and the Department of Justice. I hear he has found plenty.”

Wait, why does this sound so familiar? Trump sent someone somewhere to dig up something and, uh, that person found tons of dirt!

Oh, yeah. I remember now.

From a 2011 Today show interview with Meredith Vieira:

DONALD TRUMP: I am saying I want to see the birth certificate. It’s very simple. I want to see the birth certificate. How come his own family doesn’t know which hospital he was born in? How come — forget about birth certificates. Let’s say there’s no birth certificate. How come in the hospital itself, okay? This is one of the … in the hospital itself, there’s no records of his birth. In other words, it doesn’t say how much they paid, where is the doctor, here’s your room bill. You know, all the …

MEREDITH VIEIRA: You’ve been privy to all of this to know this?

TRUMP: Well, I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they’re talking.

MEREDITH VIEIRA: You have people now out there searching. I mean, in Hawaii?

TRUMP: Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they’re finding. 

This is vintage Trump. Throw a brazen lie out there, let it take hold in the minds of the gullible, and then sit back and watch the magic.

Never mind that it’s completely made up.

He’s doing it again — muddying the waters and throwing chum to his base. And it will fool the people it’s meant to fool.

But, hey, if you’re dumb enough to think Rudy Giuliani can take a little jaunt to Ukraine and find evidence exonerating Trump, you deserve to be absorbed by the Trump cult.

And Rudy is one of the great crime fighters of the past 50 years? Maybe once, but not since his head started leaking gray matter. You could sneak a Roomba with a cockatoo duct-taped to it into the Ukrainian embassy and get better intel than you would sending Rudy to Kyiv. 

Anyway, prepare to hear nothing more on this but vague promises and unsupported assurances that Rudy has solved the case.

Then rinse and repeat.

Friends and/or fiends: Pennyfarthing’s Trump-trashing series is now a trilogy! Grab your copy of Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing. It’s hot off the presses! And, of course, Dear F*cking Lunatic and Dear F*cking Moron are still selling like hot-magma-cakes, so get yours now. Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” diversions from our temporary hell on Earth.

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