No one knows how long the coronavirus crisis will last, but Donald Trump apparently thinks he can end it by fiat. He wants to reopen the country on Easter, after all — because somewhere he heard one of those big-haired Christians say something about the holiday being about hope or resurrection or some shit.

Now he’s saying there’s “no way” he’ll cancel the Republican National Convention, which is scheduled for August 24-27 in Charlotte, North Carolina, because, well, what’s an anointment without one’s subjects? If they die, Jesus will reward them for duly honoring the most Christiany Christian who ever Christianed on his coronation day.

The Charlotte Observer:

The president made that declaration to Fox TV host Sean Hannity. Trump’s comments came as the novel coronavirus continues its spread in the U.S. and around the world.

“We are definitely planning — it’s toward the end of August,” the president told Hannity. “Somebody was asking today, ‘Will you cancel your convention?’ I said no way I’m going to cancel the convention. We’re going to have the convention, it’s going to be incredible. . . I think we’re going to be in great shape.”

Meanwhile, Democrats — who remain tethered to reality — are making contingency plans for their July convention in Milwaukee. Those plans could include “shortening the duration, shrinking the number of attendees and holding a virtual convention,” according to the Milwaukee Business Journal.

Approximately 50,000 people from around the world are expected to attend this year’s RNC. Needless to say, if the coronavirus is still raging, having that many people in close proximity to each other for four days would be nearly as bad an idea as nominating Donald Trump again.

But, you know, Donald Trump’s moment in the sun is of paramount importance. It’s fine to kill thousands of your own voters; just don’t bruise L’il Donnie’s fragile ego.

Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.

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