I was at my local hipster coffee shop, where I was calling several members of the Deep State. Our plan for world domination completely hinges on getting people to say “Happy Holidays,” but Donald thwarts us at every turn. People now say “Merry Christmas” to me, completely on Trump’s orders, just to rub it in my face that Trump is super awesome. They’ve been on to us for years. Believe it or not, these same people were saying “Merry Christmas” to me for decades. It’s like they knew, somehow.
After the 2016 election, Trump ignored his staff who asked him to focus on trivial things like healthcare and foreign affairs. Trump knew what really mattered, and he made the War on Christmas his top priority. Now, a few places we shop at say, “Merry Christmas.” Well, they always have, but still, well-played. Our befuddled looks and attempts to pretend as if this was all just a colossally stupid conspiracy theory were unsuccessful. Trump has beaten us, and he has made a ton of headway against our secret “Happy Holidays” plot.
Luckily, it’s not all bad. I’ve managed to turn quite a few big names within Trump’s orbit.
Can you imagine one of his own children betraying him? I wish we could turn other important family members. Unfortunately, we only have Eric:
I have come to the irrefutable conclusion that Trump is simply too much of a stable genius to take down. His team of followers has uncovered so many of our schemes: our underground tunnels at the D.C. pizzeria, our weather machines, the mind control drugs we put in vaccines, and of course, our plot to turn frogs gay. Trump supporters who uncover these elaborate schemes always complain they aren’t being taken seriously. Oh, we do. Our hysterical laughter is covering up our fear. We know that we are clearly dealing with the minds of the highest caliber.
None of that matters, of course, if we can just win this damn War on Christmas. As soon as people start saying “Holiday Trees,” then BOOM! Socialism!!! Sweet, sweet socialism! That will make Putin so happy—as long as Trump doesn’t get to him first. Be on the lookout for him sucking up to Putin. It may be subtle but look carefully.
Sadly, we are losing this hard-fought, completely non-manufactured war. I was hoping Trump would avoid this war—perhaps his bone spurs would kick up again. But Trump has valiantly pressed forward. Our Christmas war is hanging by a thread, so we had no choice but to open a new front. A “War on Thanksgiving,” if you will.
As you know, our contempt for this secular holiday goes back a long time and is well-documented. Fox News has been reporting on it tirelessly—as soon as Trump mentioned it for the first time ever a few days ago.
Unfortunately, Trump somehow found out about it. We really needed to open this new front to rename “Thanksgiving.” And we would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for Trump and those meddling kids.