What’s funnier than Mike Pence being sent to the doghouse after spending four-plus years as Donald Trump’s captive purse poodle? I honestly can’t think of anything—though if Ted Cruz falls down an open manhole while looking at My Little Pony furry porn on his phone, I may have to reassess. 

Months after Trump criticized Pence for not doing something he literally had no authority to do—i.e., overturn the 2020 election in order to unilaterally reinstall his boss (and himself) in their high-level government jobs—Trump is demonstrating once again that he can hold onto a grudge far more dexterously than he can a glass of water.

In a new podcast interview with conservative commentator and Fox News contributor Lisa Boothe, Trump rattled off the names of fellow Republicans he thinks are “very good” and/or poised for a 2024 presidential run. Sadly—and hilariously—Trump’s own VP, Mike Pence, did not make the cut. 

Business Insider:

Instead, Trump named Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul, former White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem.

“Ron DeSantis is doing a really good job in Florida,” he said. “I think Josh Hawley has shown some real courage in going after big tech … Somebody that's been really terrific is Ted Cruz.”

He added, “Rand Paul has been great … Sarah Huckabee is going to do great in Arkansas. I think that Kristi Noem has done a terrific job … The Republican Party is stacked.”

Okay, maybe it was just an oversight. Or maybe Trump simply can’t get over Pence’s “disloyalty.” I don’t know about you, but the latter scenario seems a smidge more likely to me—especially in light of this pointed comment from the throbbing wad of goo who is famously two parts uncorked rage and one part Sara Lee spongecake: “It's too bad Mike Pence didn't go back, because you would have had a much different result had Mike Pence gone — he could have said, 'I'm sorry, but this was not approved by the state legislature, and according to the Constitution, it had to be.’”

I may never stop laughing at this. Seriously.

Let’s review: While Trump’s rowdy mob was chanting “Hang Mike Pence!” because Trump had name-checked him during morning coup orientation, Trump not only did nothing to help his faithful toady or to check on his welfare, he actually tweeted more hate in his direction. And though Pence has since done little to nothing to rebuke him, Trump is mad at Pence

“I hope you relish it as much as I!”

I can only assume Pence bided his time all those years because he was convinced Trump couldn’t last a full term. I mean, the guy was a scandal magnet with a heart like an unexploded World War II landmine. You can’t blame Pence for rolling the dice, I suppose.

But Trump survived, and now Pence’s political career is fucked because the Constitution said he had to take a few hours off from being a dyspeptic-yeti fluffer to do his actual job.

And that was the last you ever heard from Mike Pence.

Call it karma, call it justice, call it whatever you like. The result is still the same: I can’t stop fucking laughing.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.”  Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

  • March 22, 2021