He’s a 73-year-old man who sounds like a pair of mating Yukon moose being sucked into a jet engine, but he has great hearing everyone. Everyone says so. Many, many people.

And so he’s certain that David Holmes’ testimony this morning, in which the diplomat claimed he overheard Trump goose-honking over the phone about the Burisma investigations, couldn’t possibly be true:



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I know this is false because I've clearly overheard both sides of a cellphone conversation before. And the people on the other end of the phone didn’t sound like Tony Soprano trying to escape from a wood chipper.

I’m sure you’ve had the same experience.

But Trump thinks he has “great” hearing. Which must be true, because Trump said it, and not only does Trump never lie, he’s the most self-aware human being on the planet. And he simply knows he didn’t have this conversation because he also has the best memory in the world.

It’s over, then. The impeachment hoax is OVER!

Take that, snowflakes.

Does Trump make you want to delete your brain? Of course he does! But don’t do it until you’ve read Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear Fcking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing. Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” diversions from our temporary hell on Earth. Don’t delay. Click those links, yo!

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