Trump is on the cray-train to Kooktown: 'Abraham Lincoln, a man that I've always competed against'

Imagine this guy wearing a dirty Mountain Dew T-shirt and cutoff jean shorts saying shit like this. In the bathroom stall of an Arby’s. Doesn’t that make a lot more sense than the actual president of the United States saying it?

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TRUMP: “You know, we’re the party of Abraham Lincoln. A lot of people don’t know that. The great Abraham Lincoln, a man that I’ve always competed against. I said, I can be more presidential than any president ever, except for the possible exception of Abraham Lincoln when he’s wearing the hat.”

1) Practically everyone with a half-decent education knows Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. Trump keeps saying this because he didn’t know it until a few years ago, and he thinks it makes him look smart to highlight this “obscure” piece of trivia.

2) You are kookaburra-sits-on-the-old-gum-tree there, jiggle drawers. What the fuck? You’ve competed against Abraham Lincoln? Maybe you should set your sights a bit lower, Chunky Toupe. Perhaps you can still escape the universal scorn directed at dudes like James Buchanan and Andrew Johnson. But, honestly, it’s probably way too late for that.

Ugh, let this Kafkaesque nightmare end.

Boost Joe! And give him a Dem Congress!

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!