So today, Donald Trump called an impromptu press conference in order to swiftly take credit for the rising stock market. After the Dow cleared 30,000 for the first time ever, Trump rushed to gild his own lily-white ass. (I assume he doesn’t spray-tan there, but who knows? I also assumed 70 million people would never vote for a mewling anthropomorphic circus peanut, but I was wrong about that one.)

Of course, the guy who immediately glommed onto the stock market gains in the wake of his 2016 election victory in order to claim some otherworldly financial juju is now also taking credit for the relative health of your 401(k)s in the wake of Biden’s win.

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TRUMP: “I just want to congratulate everybody. The stock market, Dow Jones Industrial Average, just hit 30,000, which is the highest in history. We’ve never broken 30,000, and that’s despite everything that’s taken place with the pandemic. I’m very thrilled with what’s happened on the vaccine front; that’s been absolutely incredible. So, nothing like that has ever happened medically, and I think people are acknowledging that it’s having a big effect. But the stock market’s just broken 30,000. Never been broken, that number. That’s a sacred number, 30,000, and nobody thought they’d ever see it. That’s the ninth time since the beginning of 2020, and it’s the 48th time that we’ve broken records in, during the Trump administration.”

Which is odd, because …

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— Icculus The Brave (@FirenzeMike) November 24, 2020

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Man, the mental gymnastics he has to do with that atrophied McNugget brain. No wonder he always looks so tired.

Of course, Trump has repeatedly bragged about breaking stock market records throughout his first and only term. But since the stock market generally goes up, it’s bound to break numerous records, over and over again, over the course of any four-year span.

And, of course, claiming credit for the current stock market while also having claimed credit for the stock market while Obama was still president is just … what’s the word? … fuckinglame

Also — as with everything — Trump’s performance compared to that of Obama’s, well, sucks.

Fortune:

Fortune ran the numbers as of the stock market close yesterday to measure market performance from Inauguration Day through Election Day for the first terms of both Trump and Obama. Trump’s tenure was certainly a good stretch for investors: The S&P 500 index rose 45.7% over that time, for an annualized return of 10.5% a year.

But that still doesn’t come close to matching the gains seen under Barack Obama. During Obama’s first term, the S&P was up 77.4% for an annualized total return of 16.3%.

So, yeah, more fatuous spin.

I sure as shit won’t miss that, man. And I sure as shit won’t miss that man, either.

P.S.: The stock market could still plummet because, you know, Trump’s economy sucks. I’m still baffled about where it is, because it just doesn’t seem to respond to fundamentals anymore. That said, a return to (relative) normalcy and competence has to be a good harbinger for the market — which, of course, is not reflective of the economy as a whole.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!