Trump gives book report on Woodward's 'Rage': (spoiler: he didn't actually read it)

First of all, while there’s really no such thing as a zero percent chance of any particular event occurring (epistemologically speaking, I don’t know I’m not a brain in a vat constructing my own subjective universe for my amusement bemusement, for instance), the chance that Donald Trump read Bob Woodward's latest book in one night approaches one divided by infinity. I’d say it’s about the same chance that Marilyn Monroe will be resurrected by a Betelgeusian race of sentient mozzarella sticks and immediately want to date me.

In other words, very, very low:

x

Okay, Trump doesn’t read. So unless Woodward’s book is full of colored charts, Bazooka Joe cartoons, and fun mazes exhorting the reader to help Puffy Penguin find the pail of fish, I’m highly skeptical of this.

Also, “very boring” is Trump’s go-to slam for pretty much anything he doesn’t like but hasn’t actually watched or read.

So, yeah, bullshit.

But this does give interviewers a chance to trip Trump up by asking him specific questions about what’s in the book. Like, say, “What did you think of the part where Woodward said you like to wear comically oversized Russian fur hats and shout ‘nostrovia!’ during sex?”

Or whatever.

So there you go. Just another lie. And while I can’t prove with metaphysical certainty it’s a lie … well, I’d bet everything I own and then some that he’s full of shit again.

“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!