Normally when Donald Trump says one thing and someone — anyone — says something contradicting it, I assume Trump is lying. 

But there’s a rare exception to that universal maxim. Occasionally Trump tells the truth when it’s super-inconvenient or embarrassing for one of those ephemeral “humans” the Slovenly Solipsist has so much trouble wrapping his mind around.

To wit: Trump skipped a scheduled visit to CDC headquarters in Atlanta this morning, and his reason for doing so naturally conflicted with the official reason. 


  • What the White House said: “The CDC has been proactive and prepared since the very beginning and the president does not want to interfere with the CDC’s mission to protect the health and welfare of their people and the agency.”
  • What Trump said: “They thought there was a problem with CDC with somebody who had the virus. It turned out negative, so we’re seeing if we can do it. … So I may be going. We’re going to see if they can turn it around.”

You know, Trump’s explanation actually sounds kinda, sorta truthy. Leave it to him to be honest when all that will do is undermine his administration’s already threadbare credibility — in the face of a potential widespread panic, no less.

This reminds me of the time he basically told that kid there was no Santa Claus. Dude, according to Malcolm Gladwell, you should be an expert liar. How the fuck are you still so bad at it?

Still, this gives me an idea. The COVID-19 threat will disappear eventually, but what’s stopping us from making Trump a bubble boy until next January? We could put him in a giant acrylic hamster ball and let him run around a fake White House barking orders at reality show contestants. We could even let Gary Busey play White House chief of staff. And all the while we could say it’s all for Trump’s own “protection.”

Come on. This is a golden opportunity. Let’s take our country back. Please.

Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.

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