BREAKING NEWS: Saruman’s orcs are having a hard time finding jobs in the new post-Mordor economy. Several Uruk-hai have applied for au pair positions in the Shire and been flatly refused. Who knows why? Might have something to do with their brazen attempt to overthrow Gondor, but it could be anything, really.

Won’t someone think of the orcs? They need to eat, too!

By all rights, having worked for the Trump administration should essentially bar you from any kind of work—with the possible exception of squeegeeing the ex-pr*sident’s kingly moobs once a fortnight … or whenever he orders a 12-piece Chicken McNugget with extra sauces. And while that’s certainly more than a one-person job, unfortunately it’s not going to help the dozens of traitors who stuck with this doofus through thousands of lies, two impeachments, dozens of outrages, and one full-blown insurrection against the legitimate government of the United States.

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