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Tom Cotton: Portland protesters are 'insurrectionists,' just like Confederate traitors

3 min read

Tom Cotton, the only member of Congress named after his own brain, appeared on Fox & Friends this morning, and he was fixing to put both feet, both hands, and perhaps Brian Kilmeade’s head in his mouth after bellowing more gormless gibberish to an ungrateful world.

You see, Donald Trump is just like Abraham Lincoln, and the Portlanders protesting for racial justice are exactly like members of the Confederacy. Because you don’t have to make sense when you’re a conservative. In fact, you can pretty much say anything so long as you’re not visibly foaming at the mouth or eating a live porpoise with a Taco Bell spork.

Here was Cotton:

“The federal government cannot allow anarchists and insurrectionists to destroy federal courthouses, federal buildings, or other federal property. These insurrectionists in the streets of Portland are little different from the insurrectionists who seceded from the Union in 1861 in South Carolina and tried to take over Fort Sumter. Just like President Lincoln wouldn't stand for that, the federal government today cannot stand for the vandalism, the firebombing, or any attacks on federal property. It is right to send federal law enforcement in to defend federal property and federal facilities.”

The nonsense starts at :25.


Of course, Tom Cotton stirred up a hornet’s nest when The New York Times published his op-ed calling for more stormtroopers to be sent into the protests that erupted in the wake of the George Floyd killing.

But he’s also been quick to defend Confederate statues in the past. 

The Hill:

Cotton’s criticism of the Portland protesters, comparing them to “insurrectionists who seceded from the Union,” also follows his previous defense of monuments honoring Confederate figures.

In 2017, the senator told The Associated Press he thinks it is “best to keep our history in front of us and learn from it,” when asked about Confederate monuments.

“I think that it is a debate that should occur. I wouldn’t support the kind of midnight teardown of statues or monuments because I don’t think that serves the civic purpose of considering our history and thinking about whatever those monuments stand for,” he said at the time.

So, uh … these protesters are just as horrible as these people we need to keep honoring with statues in the town square? People spraying graffiti on buildings are worse than a pr*sident who’s terrorizing his own citizens with anonymous federal goons?

Does that make sense?

No, of course not. Because this it Tom Cotton, and blithering nonsense is his brand.

“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!

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