Usually when Ted Cruz “guarantees” something, it’s more along the lines of “I guarantee you no one can hear you scream from the basement of this abandoned warehouse in Arkansas.” Or so I assume. I have no direct knowledge of this, but then Ted had no basis for this statement, either:

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CRUZ: “If it ends up that Biden wins in November — I hope he doesn’t, I don’t think he will, but if he does, I guarantee you the week after the election suddenly all those Democratic governors, all those Democratic mayors will say, ‘Everything’s magically better, go back to work, go back to school.’ Suddenly the problems are solved. You won’t even have to wait for Biden to be sworn in. All they’ll need is Election Day and suddenly their willingness to just destroy people’s lives and livelihoods, they will have accomplished their task. That’s wrong, it’s cynical, and we shouldn’t be a part of it.” 

I guarantee you. GUARANTEE!

Well, of course all those Democratic officials will stop caring about COVID, because we don’t have a problem at all!

I GUARANTEE you, loser Trump will ignore these numbers.

Cruz would have been a lot safer guaranteeing that Donald Trump would suddenly abandon even the pretense of concern about the coronavirus after losing — because he never cared about the crisis to begin with, so why bother going through the motions anymore?

Meanwhile, COVID is raging in this country like never before and — wow! — all those vicious, cynical Democrats are still trying to protect their constituents from, you know, death.

I guess Ted Cruz’s guarantees aren’t worth much, huh? 

Though I do adore his comedy. My favorite is his “Wolfman Jack gets caught in flagrante delicto with a bleating nanny goat” impression. Though, to be honest, he overuses that one. He should just stick to ruining classic Princess Bride lines. After all, ruining things is what he does best.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!