'They can row home': Russian oligarch's yacht is stranded because Norwegians refuse to refuel it

Vladimir Putin’s fatal error was assuming everyone in the United States was as weak, venal, oafish, and self-aggrandizing as Donald Trump, when in reality no more than half of us are. Of course, if you’d spent more time around Trump and Steven Seagal than with almost any other American, you’d probably think you could buy off the country for a G.I. Joe Cobra kimono and a jumbo tub of Cool Ranch-flavored Crisco.

Sure, Vlad’s campaign to get Trump reelected failed—so Trump wasn’t able to simply hand him Eastern Europe by pulling out of NATO like he’d planned—but Putin probably thought the U.S. was too divided to put up much resistance to his schemes, and then bang-bang Biden’s silver hammer came down upon his head.

And while the globe—and especially Ukraine—has now been served a plate of thin gruel with a side of julienned mule dicks, we do occasionally get to enjoy a soothing sip from a sassy schadenfreude digestif.