There's something different about the GOP “panic” over the midterms this time.

I love watching them. They’re so cute right before their ego’s die     Dilbert Boss

There’s nothing new about there being “panic” in the Republican party leading up to an election. Panic is stock in trade for the GOP, it’s what they use to get their base trundling out from under their rocks every two years in November to keep them from having to obtain gainful employment. But there’s something not so subtly different about the panic this time.

I mean, don’t get me wrong or anything. They’re still trying to panic their herd to the polls, like gazelles fleeing a watering hole when they hear a twig snap. But normally, it’s a coldly calculated plan, with specific dog whistles trying to drum up panic on specific issues. This time they’re more like howler monkeys, just flinging shit in every direction, desperately trying to hit something. And best of all, they’re not stopping at just trying to panic the base, now they’re trying to panic themselves as well.

For instance, Steve Bannon just directed a “documentary.” I guess this makes sense. Now that the Academy Awards are giving out “participation awards,” like a Pop Warner football league, Bannon figures this is his chance to rub Trump’s nose in the fact that he could never win an Emmy, while Bannon has his own little “also ran” statue to wave around. Which is kind of funny, coming from a guy whom Dinesh D;Souza felt was too stupid to take on as an intern. Unfortunately for Bannon, there is already a 24/7 Trump infomercial running out there, it’s called Fox News.

But now, this time around, the Republicans are taking the drastic step of scaring themselves shitless as a party. Now they’re out with a “hell memo,” including a spreadsheet(?), of the myriad of sins that the Democrats will immediately start investigating if they win back the House. I’m kind of shaky as to exactly how this is beneficial, since it seems to have the purpose of only serving to give GOP incumbents the night sweats, and will only work if a whole bunch of them will no longer care, being unemployed on January 1st, 2019, but then again, what do I know? I get cheap jollies from mentally comparing it to a fantasy Obama “hell memo,” which would have fit on a post it note, after the stuff about the Secret Service picking up a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, and a gallon of milk on the way back to the White House.

But there are still a few voices of quiet reason in the GOP, looking for that “ham sandwich in the outhouse,” and managing to sound like a kid whistling past a graveyard. Normally, you hear from them on panels on primary night, when they rush to the fore to point out that while Democratic voter enthusiasm is through the roof, it’s being split in a giant civil war between moderates and far let progressives. That’s the GOP salvation in November, an instant replay of 2016! This is what will save the GOP House majority, a bunch of sore losers staying home because their team didn’t make the playoffs.

“My enemies enemy is my friend.” The problem for the GOP is that this isn’t 2016 anymore. “Never Trumpers” may stay at home in November, rather than vote for Trombie candidates, and MAGA Morons may boycott November because their bedlam escapee didn’t make the final cut, but the Democrats have no such illusions this time around. Democratic nominees may have different philosophies and plans, but they are united in one goal, a burning desire to strap Trumpenstein back on the lab table, and turn out the lights when they leave. The thought that massive numbers of Democratic voters, notorious midterm no-shows, would stream out to the polls on summer vacation, and then go back in the closet in November and hide is the biggest GOP pipe dream since that big, beautiful wall. And we still have two more months of Trump obscenities left to drive up turnout even more.

It really is a kind of poetic justice when you think about it. A party that pretty much survives on scaring the living bejesus out of their constituents, now reduced to being afraid to open the closet door, and jumping through the roof every time the cat scratches the litter box gravel. Now it’s up to us to keep the intensity and enthusiasm up, so that November 6th surpasses every one of their darkest fears.

The wait is over! Volume two of the trilogy, President Evil II: A Clodwork Orange is now available. Amazon is whining about me crashing their site, but the hell with them, I ain’t in this for their health. You can also find volume one, President Evil as well. And fear not, work on volume three is just beginning.

C ross posted on