On Monday, POLITICO’s Playbook reported that ABC is having a hard time finding a conservative host to replace Meghan McCain on The View. The problem? It’s become impossible to find a modern conservative who won’t go on the air every weekday and try to kill thousands of Americans and/or Western democracy.

The Republican Party ain't nothin’ but a death cult these days, and it turns out that searching for the least unreasonable Branch Covidian still leaves one bereft. You’d think it would be easy to replace Meghan McCain—her currently empty chair already makes more sense than she does. A monkey who only occasionally flings poo would be an upgrade, too—but she’d have to be a Republican, and everyone knows that poo-flinging monkeys skew Libertarian.

The latest update to this saga? ABC apparently had a new conservative host in its sights, but she refused to get vaccinated, and so the Disney-owned network is back to square one—searching for that rare cryptid in the Republican Party whose knee has never bent to the shambolic mound of offal who oozed its way into every nook and crevice of the West Wing during the Great Tribulation.

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