I’m not sure what Matt Gaetz expected. After all, the only exercise Donald Trump ever gets involves golf, languorous coitusTM, and throwing former “friends” under the bus. (Again, Trump has no actual “friends.” He has acquaintances he’s yet to shiv in the liver.)

For years, people have filled Gaetz’s head with delusions of grandeur, pillow down, and load-bearing pink fiberglass insulation (to keep it warm and inflated, natch), and now he finds himself virtually friendless in the very town in which he’s lived, worked, and skeeved out the majority of his colleagues over the past four years.

Why? Because he’s a creepy asshole, apparently. Occam’s razor may not have touched that charred Heat Miser coif of his, but it can tell us that much.


[A]s his own political career skids toward disaster amid allegations that he had sex with a minor and paid for sex with women of legal age, neither Trump nor anyone in the ex-president’s orbit is rushing to Gaetz’s defense. A group that often instinctively decries any such charge as part of some nefarious, coordinated witch hunt from deep-state operators has, instead, said virtually nothing at all.

I have to admit, I find this a little odd. If Donald Trump has a soft spot for anyone, it’s for white men accused of sexual assault and impropriety. Those are his peeps, and yet he’s dropped Gross Gaetz like a cheeseless cruciferous vegetable.

In the days since news broke that the Department of Justice was looking into whether Gaetz had violated sex trafficking laws — an allegation he denies — no Trump aide or family member has tweeted about the Florida congressman. Nor have almost any of the most prominent Trump surrogates or Trump-allied conservatives and media personalities, including Sean Hannity, Dan Bongino, Charlie Kirk or American Conservative Union Chair Matt Schlapp, at whose annual CPAC conference Gaetz had recently appeared.

The Daily Beast reported on Friday night that Trump himself was monitoring the situation but following the advice of aides to stay quiet about it. And several people familiar with their relationship said Gaetz and Trump have not spoken regularly lately, even after the lawmaker had offered to resign from Congress to join the ex-president’s impeachment defense team in February.

Oh, Donnie. The last thing you want to do is make Matt Gaetz your coffee boy. You’ll wake up in a tub of ice water with your kidneys missing. You’d be safer chewing on coffee filters you found in a parking lot Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster.

According to Politico, there are several reasons for Gaetz’s recent defenestration. One is that Gaetz’s lifestyle has always been considered wild and bordering on reckless. In addition, some of Gaetz’s aides would “regularly send embarrassing videos of their boss to other GOP operatives, according to two people familiar with the videos.”

Another was that he went on Tucker Carlson’s show as news of the scandal was breaking and, well … remember that Thanksgiving interview Sarah Palin did in which a turkey was being murdered in the background the entire time she babbled? Gaetz’s interview was kind of like that, except Gaetz was playing the part of Palin, the slaughterhouse worker, and the turkey.

This scandal isn’t going away soon. In fact, I think Gaetz’s turkey is thoroughly cooked.

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  • April 6, 2021