It’s always been obvious to people with more than a cursory understanding of politics that Republicans only pretend to care about working people and small business owners.

They accomplish this by endlessly flogging cultural wedge issues like abortion, gun rights, LGBTQ rights, and perceived Christian “persecution” — while at the same time fetishizing white grievance.

We all know that Democrats have been pushing for more generous direct payments to ordinary Americans since they passed the HEROES Act in — checks notes — oh, right … FUCKING MAY.

Well, thanks to Donald Trump’s boundless stupidity, lack of interest in his job, and eagerness to upstage both Santa Claus and Jesus Christ on the cusp of Christmas (“Jesus wasn’t a savior; he was a savior because he was crucified; I like ancient Judeans who weren’t crucified”), Republicans have been forced to give away the game.

That game being — they don’t give a single shit about you, much less two.

The Washington Post:

House Republicans on Thursday blocked an effort by House Democrats to approve $2,000 stimulus payments for millions of Americans. Democrats were seeking to advance the measure after President Trump demanded it on Tuesday night, breaking with many of his fellow Republicans.
House Democratic leadership attempted to advance the measure by “unanimous consent,” but the effort was blocked by Republican leadership.
The political jostling, with no clear path forward, shows how Trump’s surprise refusal to sign the bill into law has created a sudden political and economic crisis in Washington.

I’d like to say forcing a vote after Trump upchucked another random opinion at the 11th hour was a brilliant stroke on the part of Democrats, but it was really kind of a no-brainer — like scooping up a Faberge egg for $1.50 at a yard sale.

For all Trump has done over the past four years to further mislead those who have been conditioned for decades to vote against their own interests, with this move he’s done us a real service by finally holding a black light up to the Republican Party — and what he’s revealed isn’t pretty. Spooge stains galore! (Coincidentally, that’s also the working title for the opera libretto I’m writing; it might change when it comes time to pitch it to buyers, but I’d really like to stay true to my original vision.)

So now the cockroaches have two choices: 1) support Trump on this or 2) defy Trump and continue to function as standard-issue asshole Republicans.

For most of the past four years, it was easy for Republicans to fluff up their asshole bona fides by simply following Trump’s lead, but now that’s changed.

For instance, check out Lindsey Graham:



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Yeah, Lindsey Graham wants to cut $2,000 checks for suffering Americans like I want to hitchhike to Orlando with a dyspeptic lemur nail-gunned to my nuts. On the list of things Lindsey Graham cares about, “suffering Americans” barely registers, if at all. 

That’s true of most Republicans, and it’s never, ever been more clear.

And now, thanks to Trump’s baffling inability to focus on really anything related to his job, everyone can see it — whether they want to look or not.

Bravo, Mr. Pr*sident! Bravo!

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!

  • December 24, 2020