Apparently, most congressional committees are as boring as Texas during a devastating winter storm, because Ted Cruz doesn’t want to stick around for any of them. He just wants to be caught on camera pretending to care.

If you want to draw Cruz like a fly to your picnic, you don’t need to set out a blended strawberry margarita. Just give him a chance to spew out-of-context lies in front of what will eventually become a rapt Fox News audience.

Cruz—who is not the Zodiac killer; stop fucking saying that already—has been playing ding-dong-ditch at various congressional committees, leaving flaming bags of poo before running off to let his colleagues clean up his fragrant pyrotech-shits.

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