You could say Ted Cruz is about as funny as a debilitating brain parasite, but that would be imprecise. He’s as funny as a brain parasite attempting to do prop comedy at 1 a.m on a Wednesday at a Sioux Falls Holiday Inn. In other words, much less funny than your workaday killer parasite.
Case in point: the following tweet, in which Ted Cruz, who is absolutely, definitely, most likely not the Zodiac Killer, attempts to turn his huge public betrayal of his constituents back in February into a big joke:
For the nontweeters:
OFFICIAL GOP ACCOUNT: “Joe Biden has decided to go on vacation YET AGAIN. He is running away from all the problems he has caused.”
CRUZ: “Cancun is lovely this time of year.”
First of all—really? Republicans are gonna complain about how often the president goes on vacation now? Trump’s presidency was a perpetual vacation only occasionally interrupted by toilet tweeting and poorly planned putsches. How much are Biden’s “vacations” to his home in Delaware costing us? Is he charging his Secret Service agents $500 a night to sleep in his crawl space?
Secondly—oh no, Ted. This kind of thing works for some people, but it sure as shit doesn’t work for you.
Aaaaand … Twitter had some thoughts:
The setup here is that a senator went on a spur-of-the-moment vacation to Cancun while millions of people in his state lost power during extreme winter storms, and then he fought an infrastructure bill because of “reckless spending”. The punchline is that the senator is you.
— Cody Johnston (@drmistercody) October 9, 2021
When you decide to joke about that time you flew to Cancun while your constituents literally froze to death https://t.co/JxfQoPJdrB
— Brandon Friedman (@BFriedmanDC) October 9, 2021
— 1DayBetter (@tontonlove) October 10, 2021
Oh I get it! It’s a joke. AHAHAHHA! You fled to Cancun when the Texas power grid failed, leaving your constituents to suffer and freeze to death, while DEMOCRATS rallied to help.
That’s hilarious Ted.
Oh, and Ted? Fuck you. pic.twitter.com/Pv9RTqTyY7
— BookGrrl (@JamesSuzenbooks) October 10, 2021
Sorry, Ted. No one finds you amusing—particularly the Texans who died last winter thanks to Republican mismanagement. It’s too soon to joke about this. It will always be too soon—because you’re simply not funny, you gormless, Texas-sized twit.
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.