Last updated on October 16, 2020
Wolfman Jack’s weird vestigial twin is worried about the election. He’s very concerned that the guy who called his wife ugly and implied his dad killed JFK might lose — and lose badly.
In fact, the election could be a “bloodbath” — and not the kind Ted takes every morning to keep his skin soft and his ambulant undead corpse in fine fettle.
Yesterday on CNBC’s Squawk Box, Cruz said the race is “volatile” and could go one of two ways.
“I am worried. It’s volatile, it’s highly volatile … if people are going back to work, if they’re optimistic, if they’re positive about the future, we could see a fantastic election — the president getting reelected with a big margin, Republicans winning both Houses of Congress and I think that’s a real possibility,” Cruz said.
“But I also think if on Election Day people are angry and they’ve given up hope and they’re depressed, which is what [Speaker Nancy] Pelosi and [Senate Minority Leader Charles] Schumer want them to be, I think it could be a terrible election. I think we could lose the White House and both houses of Congress, that it could be a bloodbath of Watergate proportions.”
Personally, I have a hard time seeing a Republican landslide, but I don’t have Ted’s perspicacity. Perhaps he has a supercomputer in his seamy volcano lair that churns out preposterous scenarios whenever you feed it fairy dust and chicken entrails. It has presumably also forecast a possible future where Trump wins 400 electoral votes and Ted Cruz becomes the first chancellor of the Klingon Empire.
Then again, Ted Cruz lies a lot, and his assessment looks increasingly like a half truth.
Joe Biden’s lead is widening, after all, and Trump is responding to his flagging fortunes by acting crazier. So it’s a good thing for Ted and the rest of the GOP that only a few weeks remain until D-D-Day (dump Donald Day), because if things continued at this rate for a few months longer, Trump would lose every state and probably end up in a fetal position on your back patio some morning in the not-too-distant-future cradling a jumbo tub of Red Vines and a bottle of Fleischmann’s vodka.
And no one wants that. Right?
We have them on the run, but we have to keep the pedal to the metal.
“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!
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