Here’s the moment when you realize we’d actually be fortunate to have Ted Cruz as president right now. 

I’ll give you a few minutes to soak your cerebrum in a pail of brine or, if you’re only slightly skeeved out by the thought, a tureen of Taco Bell mild sauces.

Are you back?

ABC News:

“There are areas in the public health crisis that I think the administration has done well,” Cruz, who remains in self-quarantine due to the virus, told ABC News Live Friday evening. “There are areas where they have not done as well, and they need to do better.”

“I think the rollout of the test was clearly problematic,” he added. “There were mistakes in terms of the efficacy.”

He later added that tests should have been delivered across the country “with speed and efficiency,” and said that the “bureaucracy was a little bit slow in bringing the private sector into it.”

But wait! Donald Trump gave his handling of the crisis a perfect 10! You mean he was just bullshitting about that?

And here I thought Ted Cruz’s soul had been macerated to bits by a pack of feral hamsters and fed to Donald Trump through a hipster-bar bone luge. I didn’t think Cruz would so much as Zodiac-kill a constituent without Donald Trump’s say-so, but apparently I was wrong.

He has volition? Who’da thunk it?

Then again, he blames the “bureaucracy” instead of the kakistocracy that’s clearly at fault, but this is something at least.

Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.

  • March 17, 2020