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Ted Cruz blames his kids for ill-advised Cancun trip, because he's just the worst

2 min read

Good God almighty. Well, this proves Ted Cruz isn’t the Zodiac Killer, because even the Zodiac Killer wouldn’t be sociopathic enough to blame his fucking kids for the biggest asshole move in Texas history.

The full text:

Statement from Sen. Ted Cruz:

This has been an infuriating week for Texans. The greatest state in the greatest country in the world has been without power. We have food lines, gas lines, and people sleeping at the neighbors’ houses. Our homes are freezing and our lights are out. Like millions of Texans, our family lost heat and power too.

With school cancelled for the week, our girls asked to take a trip with friends. Wanting to be a good dad, I flew down with them last night and am flying back this afternoon. My staff and I are in constant communication with state and local leaders to get to the bottom of what happened in Texas. We want our power back, our water on, and our homes warm. My team and I will continue using all our resources to keep Texans informed and safe.

Hoo-boy, what a pantload.

Say, do you carry a stuffed roller bag with you when you’re simply dropping relatives off in Cancun? Probably not. Just a hunch.

Meanwhile, Ted’s daughter has issued her own statement:


By the way, there’s no need for Ted to “get to the bottom of what happened.” He has a mirror, right? What happened to Texas is Republicans. And given Gov. Greg Abbott’s blinkered view of the state’s current self-inflicted crisis, it’s likely they’ll never learn their lesson.

Anyway, if you thought Ted Cruz couldn’t get any sleazier, I’m only too happy to disabuse you of that notion.

I doubt we’ve plumbed the depths yet. After all, he has four years left in his current term.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via TwitterNeed a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

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