Or maybe I should say “no water,” which is what too many Texans are currently dealing with.

After desperately attempting to flee the free-market dystopia he helped create, Sen. Ted Cruz drove his windowless white van down to a Houston locale today to serve Texas BBQ—not lightly braised human flesh; we should be very clear about that—to a gaggle of cops and firefighters. 

After Costanza’ing his way out the door while Texas collapsed in on itself thanks to decades of Republican misrule, Cruz decided to serve up some man meat to some very manly men, having been ostensibly shamed into action both by his own craven lam attempt and the herculean efforts of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and former opponent Beto O’Rourke. Together, those two Democrats have raised around $5 million for Texas families, whereas Ted gave up a small portion of his Sunday to sling meats at a meager, unrepresentative sampling of constituents.



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Für die nontweeterers: “Served some delicious #Houston bbq to @FirefightersHOU, @IAFFNewsDesk, & local law enforcement yesterday with @TheNew93Q to thank our first responders following these unprecedented snow storms.”

So here’s a little life tip, Ted. That’s the same mask you wore during your infamous jaunt to Mexico. Maybe cover it in quicklime in the backyard with, I don’t know … whatever else is out there. 

That image is burned into Texans’ minds like a fucking cattle brand. You sure you want to sashay around in that thing? You might as well wear a mask that says “I Ate the Worm at Bar Del Mar, Cancún.”

Oh, and of course Ted is flouting CDC COVID guidelines, because that’s exactly how selfless he is:

You may have been exposed to COVID-19 on your travels. You may feel well and not have any symptoms, but you can be contagious without symptoms and spread the virus to others. You and your travel companions (including children) pose a risk to your family, friends, and community for 14 days after you travel.

Get Tested and Stay Home After Travel

  • Get tested with a viral test 3-5 days after travel AND stay home and self-quarantine for a full 7 days after travel.
    • Even if you test negative, stay home and self-quarantine for the full 7 days.

I doubt this sloppy, slapped-together photo op is going to work, of course. You can’t rehabilitate someone’s image overnight—especially when you’re this transparent about it.

But Ted will try his best.

He still yearns to be president, after all. 

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.”  Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

  • February 21, 2021
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