I’ve watched a lot of mob movies, so I know it’s a really bad sign when the boss refuses to see you. (Question: If a Trump capo leaves a gross giant horse head in Gaetz’s bed, how long will his fiancée canoodle with it before she realizes it’s not Matt?) In...
If I were a betting man, I’d wager that Matt Gaetz’s head is filled with equal parts brain matter, nougat, Nickelodeon slime, and unidentified ooze. I’d bet my 2004 Pontiac Vibe on it. And my entire McLaughlin Group Pog collection. So you might want to put on your 2017 solar eclipse...
Remember Infrastructure Week? It’s coming back—this time without an infrastructure weakling deflating the promise of a newly rebuilt America. Joe Biden is set to unveil his sweeping $3 trillion infrastructure plan, and according to Axios, top economists are simply “giddy” about its prospects. Of course, Republicans understand Keynesian economics as...
I’m not going to get my hopes up for this. Mitch McConnell has done the right thing exactly once in his 200 or so years on this planet. Of course, that was when he rebuked his fellow members of Congress on Jan. 6 for vowing to challenge the electors in...
Not sure how this will fly after yesterday’s events, but here it is. The worst person in the country wants to grant himself clemency—because if you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself. Plus, everyone else thinks he’s a lunatic now. (Join the club, obsequious idiots.) The...
Well, it’s not quite the same as drowning in a shallow pool of his own flop sweat, but anything that irritates this gormless, tumescent-headed, retrograde fuckstick delights me. CNN: His mood darkened as soon as he walked into his members-only club Mar-a-Lago, three days before Christmas, according to multiple sources....
Oh, please, yes. Sure. Why not? Donald Trump has reportedly been hinting to insiders that he might resurrect The Apprentice. Like anyone wants to see Sean Spicer and Kevin Sorbo in a blood duel over the marketing contract for TruckNutz. But that’s where we are in this shart-encrusted Underoo of a timeline. The...
How perfect is it that both of Trump’s dead-ender lawyers now have COVID? Axios: President Trump's lawyer Jenna Ellis has informed associates she has coronavirus, multiple sources tell Axios, stirring West Wing fears after she attended a senior staff Christmas party on Friday. Driving the news: There are concerns about the potential...
Noooooooooooo! That is some prodigious perspicacity on the part of BLOATUS. (Sorry, alliteration aficionados. I prefer “BLOATUS” to “POTUS.” So suck a sack of silly string.) NBC News: The president has been complaining to aides and allies about his personal attorney Rudy Giuliani and recently-removed lawyer Sidney Powell’s over-the-top performances at a...
Donald Trump wants to project a hale and hearty mien, even though he’s basically a VW Beetle-sized hunk of whale blubber wrapped in extra crispy chicken skin, Nickelodeon slime, and shamelessness. So yesterday, as Dr. Nick Riviera and his team were dissembling up a storm in front of Walter Reed...
Let me bury the lede for the moment to point out that Donald Trump almost certainly thinks he won last night’s debate. Why wouldn’t he? He was quintessentially Trump, and that always gives the ocher asshat a tingling sensation. So it was no surprise when the redoubtable Gabriel Sherman wrote the...
I’d assumed that Dr. Deborah Birx, a leading member of the White House coronavirus task force, had been co-opted by the otherworldly orange ooze, but if I’m reading the tea leaves (or, since we’re talking about the Trump administration, the Big Mac wrappers) correctly, it looks like she could be the...
I’m swimming in so much schadenfreude today I may have to hire Jerry Falwell’s pool boy to clean up after me. There’s the Falwell news, the Eric Trump news, the RNC shitshow to come and now … holy shit, what fresh hell is this? Yahoo! News: Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, Melania Trump's...
So if you bristled every time someone at your office brought you key information that was crucial to your job performance — and you did it so often that they eventually stopped giving you that information — you’d be fired, right? Of course you would. That’s called being a below-average...
The redoubtable Gabe Sherman has another dispatch from the land of cray-cray kookaburras. And in this episode of the Fluorescent Lipo-Fat Golem Show, our intrepid protagonist is heartlessly tossing his most loyal puppies under the sputtering Trump Train. Seems Trump doesn’t think his campaign team is doing a good job of...
The redoubtable Gabriel Sherman has another dispatch from the Phantasmagorical Land of Cray-Cray. It seems Fox News is not nearly obsequious enough for Donald John Trump, so he’s itching to cut them off at the very knees they’ve been shamelessly bending for the past five years. Vanity Fair: Trump’s view...
Yesterday, The Washington Post published another story recounting how the federal government’s official COVID-19 response has slowly devolved into a drunken mosh pit at a Tijuana donkey show, and among the jaw-dropping excerpts was this little number: It was the day the administration was adding Ireland and the United Kingdom...
The redoubtable Gabriel Sherman has another missive from the Festering Wing of the Blight House, and it’s yet another eye-opener. For starters, blunderkind Jared Kushner was apparently the source of Donald Trump’s late-night raving about New York not needing as many ventilators as Gov. Andrew Cuomo insists they do. Vanity Fair:...
Remember all those people insisting a few weeks ago that COVID-19 was just a cold, then just like the flu, then an overblown Democratic hoax? How can they keep claiming they’re right about everything? I mean, if I’d showed up on the House floor in a jokey gas mask to “own...
The redoubtable Gabriel Sherman has yet another dispatch from the D.C. extension of the Trump Clown School. This time, it appears that Grampa Rage Diapers is peeved at his son-in-law, who insinuated himself into the White House CoronaShitShow last week and made a right mess of things. Vanity Fair: “In...
Because your loyalty needs to be questioned by the Trump regime even if your family came here after the Shah was overthrown, and you went to Canada for a visit (in this case to a concert). You could get lucky and get turned back only because there wasn’t enough jail...
Enemies. Enemies everywhere! Keep your head on a swivel, Donny. Are you sure that’s really Ivanka? It could be Adam Schiff in a blond wig and couture. So now Donald Trump is reportedly miffed at one of his closest allies, the eternally obsequious Mike Pompeo, his longtime (by Trump administration standards)...
Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard and presidential hopeful announced Thursday that she will no longer seek re-election to the House in 2020. That’s the good news. The bad news is likely to be found in the reasons why she did it. After all that rage-tweeting Gabbard aimed at former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for daring to suggest that she...
