If Donald Trump were still president and unemployment claims had dropped to their lowest point in 53 years, he’d be spitting out all-caps tweets like chicken bits into his bedside KFC-bone spittoon. That is, if he could still tweet. Sure, he lost his Twitter privileges because he tried to end American...
Vladimir Putin’s fatal error was assuming everyone in the United States was as weak, venal, oafish, and self-aggrandizing as Donald Trump, when in reality no more than half of us are. Of course, if you’d spent more time around Trump and Steven Seagal than with almost any other American, you’d...
Generalissimo Sean Hannity, the high commander for war strategy at Fox News, has an idea that will end the war! Erm, sorry—I meant “world.” Those two words sound so similar. Anyone with any sense of history knows that the last thing President Joe Biden can do is send the U.S....
Sometimes I wonder what might have happened had Jim Comey kept his mouth shut prior to the 2016 election, and if Hillary Clinton were now in the second year of her second term. The House hearings on Mr. Potato Head would have been something, I’m sure. That said, it’s hard...
The GOP will henceforth and forevermore be known as “The Vladimir Putin Republican Dance Party.” In the span of a few short decades, our Republicomrades went from “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall” to “I know Vladimir likes me, but does he like like me?”—all because the derpiest derp who ever...
Most people would—quite rightly—assume that “fresh produce” and “Donald Trump” have no business being in the same sentence unless there’s some secret Russian kompromat Christopher Steele left out of his dossier. I’d like to say Trump and produce are like oil and water, but they’re more like matter and antimatter. I shudder...
You could say Ted Cruz is about as funny as a debilitating brain parasite, but that would be imprecise. He’s as funny as a brain parasite attempting to do prop comedy at 1 a.m on a Wednesday at a Sioux Falls Holiday Inn. In other words, much less funny than your workaday...
