A billboard in Horse Cave, Ky., referring to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky. as Moscow Mitch has been erected on northbound I-65 Tuesday, Aug. 13, 2019. (AP Photo/Timothy D. Easley)

So by now you’ve heard that 12 angry phlegms are going to keep pretending through January 6 and beyond that something untoward occurred during the November 3 election, during which a clear majority of the country told Donald Trump not to let the door hit him in the ass on the way out of our lives.

This effort is led by Ted Cruz, who has somehow found 11 fellow senators to crawl into the back of his windowless white van, where he’ll show them pictures of bare-naked ladies, a secret map to a candy forest, and all the evidence of widespread election fraud they can eat.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is dead set against this maneuver, most likely because it will force dozens of GOP senators to choose between Trump and the Constitution, and in the modern-day Republican Party, Trump almost always wins.

A few GOP senators, like Alaska’s Lisa Murkowski and Pennsylvania’s Pat Toomey, have already rejected this nonsense, and the ploy stands zero chance of succeeding, but it’s setting a horribly dangerous precedent. They don’t have the votes this time, but what about next time—after it’s made perfectly clear that these seditious senators face no real repercussions, electoral or otherwise, for their treachery.

Oh, boy! At least two Republican senators think we should follow the Constitution and honor the will of the voters! Get them both a lolly!

So I have to ask—what gives, Mitch? You can rally your minions to steal a Supreme Court seat but you can’t stop them from not trying to steal the presidency? How much more fucking worthless can you possibly be?

The hands that rock the Senate cradle eventually fall off and float down the sewer like aimless paper boats.

Don’t bother answering, you sweaty meatloaf. Rhetorical question. To paraphrase the great Nigel Tufnel, the answer is none. None more worthless.

This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. The first history of the Trump Error is complete! Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump is hot off the presses! Along with Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump, you’ll see the Trump years from a hilarious new perspective. Click those links, yo!

  • January 2, 2021