Yeah, I remember feeling this way after Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. No fucking way can they make another Friday the 13th movie. I mean, that’s ridiculous, right?

Twenty years later, after three more sequels and a reboot, I looked like a damn fool.

Not as foolish as Sen. Lisa Murkowski, of course. If she really thinks there are lasting political consequences to trying to kill your own vice president, she hasn’t been paying close attention the past four years.

Donald Trump has created a Borg hive without all the clunky face lasers. His supporters thought Mike Pence was trying to overthrow the government, not Trump. Ideally, we’d lock Trump in a Hannibal Lecter cell when this is all over. Barring that, keeping him from ever running for office again is the best we can do.


REPORTER: “[Are you concerned] if the Senate does not act and bar Donald Trump from running for office again, that he could run again and that he could incite the same mob of supporters here?”

MURKOWSKI: “Frankly, I don’t see how after the American public sees the full story laid out here, not just in one snippet on this day and another on that, but this whole scenario that has been laid out before us. I just, I don’t see how Donald Trump could be reelected to the presidency again.”

If Donald Trump gets it into his vapid, cream cheese sculpture of a head that he wants to be president again, he won’t let a silly impeachment stop him. Murkowski is a likely vote for conviction, but Lindsey Graham, for instance, has already pronounced our king-sized Hickory Farms holiday shart sampler innocent.


— Lindsey Graham (@LindseyGrahamSC) February 11, 2021


— Kaitlan Collins (@kaitlancollins) February 11, 2021


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And Trump’s followers aren’t watching the impeachment! How is any of this going to convince them?

It’s safe to say that most Republican members of Congress would like Trump to simply go away. Maybe into a parallel timeline where we’ve never had a president who, on a good day, looks like a half-eaten bucket of KFC and on a bad day looks like Donald Trump.

The fact that they’ll almost certainly vote to acquit Trump shows you how much power he still wields. If he had an impartial jury, the vote would likely be 100-0. I mean, the jurors very well could have been murdered as a direct result of Trump’s words and actions, and yet he will almost certainly skate.

So, no, I don’t think Murkowski or any other senator should be able to hide behind “Donald Trump’s political future is over.” We all assumed that after the Access Hollywood tape, too. 

He’s a clear and present danger until his purpling corpse is shoved out to see on an ice floe. And even then I’ll worry.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — BETTE MIDLER on author ALDOUS J. PENNYFARTHING, via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear Fcking Lunatic, Dear Prsident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

  • February 11, 2021
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