Sean Spicer to appear on 'Dancing With the Stars' — because Goebbels is already dead

I just want to say to the original version of me who cloned his consciousness and uploaded it into this shitty computer simulation — fuck you, dude. Shit’s not funny. I give you full permission to unplug this “universe.” Nothing good can ever come of it.

And because everything has to be terrible all the time, apparently, Sean Spicer is joining the cast of Dancing With the Stars. And the season premiere will attract the largest audience to ever witness a former press secretary metaphorically and/or literally shit his pants on national television, period.

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The Goebbels Galop. The Riefenstahl Rhumba. The Baghdad Bob Boogie.

Feel free to join in.

And, Sean, good luck rehabilitating your “image.” 

Here are some steps you probably already know. It helps to focus on your strengths:

This one’s pretty good, too:

Seriously, though. Feel free to unplug at any time. Or make Danny Bonaduce president. Anything would be an improvement.

Is Trump still chafing your arse-cheeks? Then Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its breathlessly awaited sequel Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are the pick-me-up you need! Reviewers have called these books “hysterically funny,” “cathartic,” and “laugh-out-loud” comic relief. And they’re way, way cheaper than therapy.