Oh, and Trump’s detractors are “satanic.” Because of course they are.

In a deeply corrupt move that would have made Richard Nixon vomit his small intestines, Donald Trump recently commuted the sentence of his friend, confidant, and chief ratfucker Roger Stone. Translation: Stone was involved in some hinky, illegal shit, he was a potential key witness in Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation, Trump tampered with him over Twitter, and when it came time for Stone to pay for his crimes, Trump gave him a get-out-of-jail-free card. Because Trump is the most noxious human, animal, or mold growth ever to befoul the Oval Office.

But that’s not how Stone sees it. Like a loyal capo, Stone protected his boss. And like millions of scoundrels before him, he’s dragging Jesus into his bullshit.


In January of this year, in the middle of all his legal troubles, Stone attended an outdoor prayer service in Florida led by Franklin Graham. Stone tells CBN News he was desperate, struggling and stressed out. Graham had met with him before the event and that night Stone made his move.

“At that moment, I felt the calling,” Stone says. “I stood up with 500 other people. I wasn't the slightest bit embarrassed. I confess that I was a sinner. I repeated a pledge that he recited, and it was as if a cement block was lifted off my chest. I can't even explain it.” Stone says it gave him security about his future. “I was never scared. I was never worried. I was completely confident that the Lord would guide the president to do the right thing.”

So we’re in the middle of a raging pandemic that’s killed nearly 140,000 Americans as of this morning, and the thing Jesus decides to whisper in Donald Trump’s ear is “keep Roger Stone out of prison”? Not “dude, get your shit together on this COVID thing before everyone dies”? 

Sounds legit.

Still, Stone couldn't resist putting what he's been through in spiritual terms. “I really do believe that those who are trying to undo this president, those who are trying to destroy me, trying to destroy Michael Flynn, who's a very good man and great American patriot war hero, I do believe they're satanic,” he said.

Stone wasn't done. “They cut corners and what's outrageous is their arrogance, their moral superiority, when in fact, they have no morals at all,” he said. “I don't believe that any of these people involved in my prosecution are really believers in God.”

Uh huh. But Donald Trump is. He’s pious as fuck, yo. Look at the great lengths he went to to get to church that one time. No army of gentle hippies and earnest clergy was going to stand in his way. He had a Bible to deliver to a … uh … church.

Groucho Marx used to say, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.” My credo? “I wouldn’t want to belong to any church that would accept Roger Stone without beating him half to death with a sock full of batteries first.”

But that’s just me. Poor, pathetic, unsaved me.

“This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.” — Bette Midler on Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, via Twitter. Find out what made dear Bette break up. Dear Fcking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump and its boffo sequels Dear Prsident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump and Dear F*cking Moron: 101 More Letters to Donald Trump by Aldous J. Pennyfarthing are now available for a song! Click those links, yo!

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