Report: Nielsen's pals trying to rehabilitate her image; Um, no

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (with apologies to Bubbanomics) ha ha ha ha ha!


Just days after she announced plans to resign as Homeland Security secretary, Nielsen and her allies are working to rehabilitate her reputation, arguing that she’s not the heartless villain depicted by liberal critics already pressuring big companies not to hire her.

In particular, they stressed that the policy for which Nielsen is most fiercely reviled — separating detained migrant children from their parents — gave her no pleasure, and that she slow-walked or resisted other Trump demands on border security.

“I think Nielsen has been treated unfairly. A caricature was created by people who oppose the way the President talks about immigration or who even oppose current immigration law that’s been on the books for decades — and that caricature is nothing like the person she actually is,” said Thad Bingel, a former George W. Bush administration Homeland Security official who helped guide Nielsen through her Senate confirmation.

Whooooooo, that’s rich.

“Oh, I see there’s a big gap in your resume, Ms. Nielsen. Can you explain it?”

“Yeah, that was my brief baby-caging phase. It happens to the best of us. I was in a bad place. What can I say?”

I mean, seriously. I wouldn’t hire this horror-show of a human being to loofah an orangutan’s asshole. Even though, well, that’s pretty much been her job for the past year and a half.

Good luck, Ms. Nielsen, and good night.

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