Most people would—quite rightly—assume that “fresh produce” and “Donald Trump” have no business being in the same sentence unless there’s some secret Russian kompromat Christopher Steele left out of his dossier. I’d like to say Trump and produce are like oil and water, but they’re more like matter and antimatter. I shudder to think what would happen to his body if he ever came within 100 yards of a kale leaf. It would make his Arby’s meat sweats feel like a cool spritz of Himalayan spring water. 

So, yeah, when I see a story about Donald Trump, renowned philanthropist, sending boxes of fresh food to the poor, I’m naturally going to be suspicious. And those suspicions will surely be justified because, well, look around you.

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