I’m having a real hard time understanding how a civil war between liberals and conservatives would actually play out in this country. Would we have to wear uniforms to mark ourselves as part of the vast progressive horde, or would the conspicuous lack of misspelled MAGA neck tattoos be sufficient?

Our nation is terribly divided these days, but I don’t really fear a second civil war for the mere fact that it would be far too confusing. And I’d have to murder most of my immediate family. I have my quibbles with them, but I really don’t want to do that—you know, all else being equal. And unlike in the first U.S. Civil War, we no longer have discrete territories for the two factions to invade or defend. Unless they’re going to launch daily sorties against Whole Foods, I’m assuming we could easily blend in simply by appending Truck Nutz to the backs of our Nissan Leafs and Priuses. 

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